“Until Kids Do Us Part”
By Mary Jo Rulnick
Cozy dinners in a candlelit corner, long walks under the twinkling stars and dream vacations at exotic places are some of the cherished memories you and your spouse shared as a couple. Unfortunately, those idyllic moments seem to have ended abruptly when baby made three or four or five. Once you’re a family, finding quiet time for the two of you can be a thing of the past. In fact, sometimes you wonder if there really was a B.K.-before kids.
A Newsweek article reported more couples divorce in the year after the arrival of their first child than any other time, other than the first year of marriage. So what challenges can cause such strife and what can couples do to keep a relationship going
Everyday Challenges
Although you have nine months to prepare for the arrival of your bundle of joy, you can never truly be prepared for all the changes that occur. This joyous time can be a stressful time as your carefree couple status transitions to parents with a little person who is completely dependent upon you. On top of that, consider the extra workload of a child, increase in expenses and the challenges of daily living, too. The responsibility can be overwhelming and it can take some time to adjust to all of it.
Learn to communicate. Relationships can be challenging. Many of us do not have strong models to follow when it comes to communication. And communication can be crucial to a loving relationship. Renee Trudeau, life coach and author of The Mother’s Guide to Self-Renewal, offers a suggestion she uses in her own marriage. When a discussion could become heated, her communication reminder is “do you want to be right or be in relationship?” Trudeau often resorts to “quiet breaks” when she feels like she’s reached her limit and could blow up.
“It’s always better to go this route than to say things you may later regret,” says Trudeau. She also knows her partner shuts down and withdraws when her voice escalates, so she keeps this in mind. She recommends couples sit down once a week for a family planning meeting to talk about the upcoming week and to make sure they’re on the same page. This weekly meeting also gives each other a heads-up if one of them has a particularly challenging week ahead and may need some extra support and TLC.
Discuss your financial issues. One of the top reasons couples fight stems from money issues, says Trudeau. Make a commitment to have monthly discussions about finances. On the agenda, include creating a budget, addressing your debt, deciding who will pay bills each month and possible meetings with a financial planner. Find a way to come to peace with your money issues. “Everyone has them (money issues),” says Trudeau. So decide how and when you and your partner are going to address yours in a way that best works for your relationship.
Same parental ground rules. Children learn quickly that they can get what they want by playing dad against mom and vice versa. Divorce attorney Belinda Rachman, Esq. warns “I have seen more marriages end due to child rearing disputes than any other reason, except money. Be on the same page about parenting.”
Rachman advises parents to have consistent rules, values, consequences and never allow yourselves to fall into the “good cop”/“bad cop” roles. Rachman believes there is nothing more important you can do for both yourselves and your children than to be in alignment on how to bring up children. “If they sense they can get a better deal from one of you,” says Rachman, “they will cause all kinds of trouble and learn how to manipulate people.”
Split the to-do list. Many times it feels as if there are more chores to do than time to do them. Splitting the chores between you and your partner will allow more time for the two of you afterwards. For example, mom does the laundry while dad feeds and changes the baby, offers Kathy Stafford, author of Relationship Remorse. This way, you’re both doing your chores at the same time and hopefully will finish about the same time so you can relax together.
Five minutes for mom. The hectic schedule of a family’s lifestyle can turn a calm woman into a frazzled one. Women are so busy nurturing everyone around them that they forget to nurture themselves. And an overstressed, over-exhausted wife doesn’t make for a great partner. Moms need time away from the kids to nurture themselves and maintain their girl-to-girl friendships, says Stafford. So, take a “girls only” night out while your husband takes care of the kids.