Marital Misconduct Can Cost

divorce360 article here:

Legal: Some States Have Option to Rule in Favor of Victim of Marital Misconduct

By Kelly Sons

Just because you can get a no-fault divorce in many states doesn’t mean you are safe from accusations of marital misconduct that has a negative economic impact upon the spouse that’s the victim of the bad behavior, according to the National Legal Research Group.
Marital misconduct by legal definition is behavior that happens before the marriage ended. It destabilizes the marriage and causes the victim spouse a significant physical, emotional or financial burden. Among the actions that can be considered as marital misconduct: infidelity, alcohol or drug abuse, gambling, acting out against the victim by causing significant damage or harm, murder or attempted murder and any other criminal conduct.
Courts would also consider if the marital assets were excessively spent so the offender could participate in the misconduct. As an example, in 1990 a Pennsylvania court ruled in favor of the wife, awarding her all the marital assets after her ex-husband was found to have used money from their accounts to in a plot to murder her.
Many states that consider marital misconduct as an option also allow a spouse to choose a no-fault divorce as well. “What that means is if the couple is not acrimonious, they don’t have to check the nasty boxes on the initial divorce papers that indicate fault or guilt,” explained Belinda Rachman, a divorce attorney and mediation expert.
In 2008, Rhonda received her divorce in Tennessee, a state that considers fault when the offender-spouse’s actions cause future financial consequences. After years of marriage, “…I ended up with fractured vertebrae and severe depression. I couldn’t find a job anywhere because of my problems,” she said. The court awarded her the largest portion of her and her ex-husband’s assets.
States across the country vary in their consideration of marital misconduct charges. Some states, like Missouri, will consider marital misconduct if it placed an extraordinary burden on the victim spouse which forced the victim to take on more than half of the marital duties.
Some Americans think the no-fault divorce makes it too easy to get a divorce. However, some experts say a no-fault divorce is a better option than one in which grounds are used to determine why a divorce should be granted. The Tennessee Alliance for Legal Aid thinks having the option offers help for a victim spouse, who may have put in the majority or work and income into the marriage and can then be properly compensated in the divorce.
Rachman promotes the no-fault option explaining, “Lawyers have a vested interest in making a case nasty because that is how they get paid. About 85 percent of couples should avoid getting separate attorneys if they want to protect any children and save a lot of money.”

How To Save $37,500 On Legal Fees AND Protect Your Co-Parenting Relationship

By Belinda Rachman, Esq

This will probably surprise you but divorce is NOT a legal issue, it is a personal issue and most people should get a divorce with little or no lawyer involvement. If you want to have the smoothest divorce possible the solution is to resolve your problems outside of court.

1. Avoid Lawyers and Courts as much as possible! The first thing you should know is that our legal system is not child-focused or family-friendly; it is adversarial by nature. The emotional and financial price you pay when you each hire separate divorce lawyers is higher than you can now imagine. Before I became a divorce attorney I was a special education teacher. My Masters is in Special Education, focusing on teaching severely emotionally disturbed children, so I came to the law with a powerful bias to act only in the best interest of the children. That is NOT the focus of most divorce lawyers. Many divorce lawyers are very comfortable spending a client’s college fund instead of quickly and economically helping the couple to negotiate a fair deal. After 8 years of litigation and witnessing the total financial and emotional devastation of too many families, I vowed to no longer take adversarial divorces and to do only divorce mediation. In the following 3 years, after working with over 185 couples with 100% success rate, I am convinced that divorce mediation should be the solution of first resort for 85% of the couples who are contemplating divorce.

2. Learn the divorce laws in your state. It is easier to deal with a situation when basic information is already known. In the 8 community property states (Arizona, California, Idaho, Louisiana, Nevada, New Mexico, Texas, Washington and Wisconsin) property division is pretty clear. What ever was totally owned prior to marriage or received by gift or inheritance is separate property that goes to the spouse who owns it. If it was partially paid for using wages or income earned during the marriage, the “community” gains an interest in it that can be calculated. Division of property in community property states is one of the easiest issues to deal with because it is so clear cut. But what about the other 42 states? These states use an equitable distribution system to divide marital property. Each state has its own rules that can be ascertained prior to starting the divorce process. So there is some uncertainty in non community property states but an experienced lawyer/mediator generally knows what the court will do in most situations and can be a valuable guide to couples who are unfamiliar with the laws. All states have some kind of guideline child and or spousal support rules. Paralegals in your area will have the state program or otherwise be able to help you determine what support should be. There is nothing to fight about. Would you think of arguing about whether or not 2+2+4? It is a math problem that does not require a court fight unless someone is hiding income.

3. Acknowledge that PARENTS are the best people to decide child issues! Custody is the issue that needs to be settled outside of court! The bad feelings that come from litigating child issue will ruin any ability to co-parent later. A judge might look at the papers you file for a few minutes but often they are looking at your papers while the attorneys are arguing. You only get a limited amount of court time and then a decision will be made by a stranger who does not know or care about you or your children. It makes NO SENSE to put yourself at the mercy of lawyers and judges who will tell you how to raise your children. A far better approach is to use the services of a child therapist or another parent who has successfully raised their own children. Go to a therapist or trusted friend and let them act as a judge. They have more insight into the two of you than a judge would. Why make strangers rich by hiring lawyers? It is to their benefit to keep the two of you fighting.

4. Find out about the alternative to divorce court: mediation. In litigated divorce cases, child custody and visitation issues can be the most contentious and emotional. As described above, you can and should deal with child issues outside of court. If the parents can agree to a custody arrangement, which they eventually do in 90% of custody cases, they can avoid court altogether. Why should a couple wait until they are on the courthouse steps to make a deal? Only 10% of custody cases are litigated. The courts typically apply a “best interest of the child” standard in determining who should get primary custody. You know the parents themselves are in the best position to decide how their children should be raised. When a couple works together in mediation they are in control of the final outcome, not lawyers or judges. When the couple has an intention to effectively co-parent by always keeping the best interest of the child foremost in their mind, they will produce a much more satisfying outcome than if a solution is imposed upon them from above. Child custody issues are the most inappropriate issues to be decided within an adversarial system. The win/lose game that is played in court always results in tension between the parents. Not only will this tension negatively affect the health and happiness of the parents but the children will be caught in the middle of a battle, ducking verbal and emotional bullets as they fly over their heads. The adversarial system does not protect the co-parenting relationship of parents and should be avoided if at all possible. An emotionally vulnerable client in the hands of a “zealous advocate” who is more concerned with enriching themselves than in helping their client is a dangerous combination. Working with an attorney/mediator protects the couple by having an expert giving them legal information in a way that does not encourage them to fight.

5. How to find the mediator who is right for you? The phone book is full of divorce attorneys. How do you know who to trust? When looking for a mediator it is best to avoid the wolves in sheep’s clothing. You do not want an attorney who primarily practices adversarial law. While it is best to use a mediator who is an experienced lawyer so they can give accurate legal information to the couple, you want to use someone who focuses primarily or better yet, exclusively on mediation instead of litigation. Ask the mediator how many mediations they have done (the more the better), what their success rate is, how long it takes and the cost. Then compare the answers to see who the two of you like best.

In conclusion, the primary thing to keep in mind is that avoiding divorce attorneys and court should be your #1 priority if you want to protect your health, spirit, co-parenting relationship and pocketbook. The divorce process is an emotional and personal situation, not a legal situation. Because so many people have already been divorced, there are no more mysteries. All the legal questions have already been answered so an experienced divorce lawyer who is acting as the mediator, will have a good idea of what the court would order. There is no reason to fight. But mediation is not for everyone. Approximately 15% of the population are high conflict personality types. You have met these people before. They have problems with all the people in their life, at work, school, home, family, etc. They thrive on drama and create a lot of problems for themselves and others. Ask your friends if that sounds like you or your spouse. If so, consider if that really works in your life. With a powerful intention you can create more peace by changing your outlook and actions. You may even save your marriage. If both of you agree that it is best to move on as single people and are rational enough to work together instead of making divorce lawyers rich, then take a good look at mediation. You only get one chance to create a peaceful divorce. Your children will thank you for not putting them in the middle of a nasty court fight.

Experts, Couples Say ‘Tis Better To Settle For Compatibility Than Wait For Perfection

Feb. 28, 2008 (WebMD)
Forty-one-year-old single mother and journalist Lori Gottlieb has written candidly of spurning “good enough” men in search of the perfect romantic mate. But in her provocative new essay for the Atlantic, Gottlieb advises singles – especially women – to consider settling when it comes to a love relationship, arguing it will likely lead to long-term happiness.

In her essay, Gottlieb likens a “good-enough marriage” to a small nonprofit business with a likeable mate who can problem-solve. Gottlieb spoke exclusively with WebMD about the reaction it has generated.

“I’ve gotten quite a response, and it’s been all over the map,” Gottlieb tells WebMD. “Married people are very supportive of the point I am trying to make. Some single women applaud me for saying out loud what many are thinking but not saying. But many single women think it is an affront. They think it is an unpalatable challenge to an empowering world view that you can have it all.”

At the heart of the “good enough” argument is that too many of us have been brainwashed into a “fairy tales and fireworks” view of romance that lacks long-term stability. Gottlieb writes that marrying Mr. Good Enough is a viable option, especially if the goal is to land a reliable life partner and create a family.

“The point of the article is not to settle for any schmo off the street, but a good guy you like, enjoy the company of, and have realistic expectations of,” she says.

“If you want to be with somebody and you’re holding out, you may end up with nothing,” Gottlieb says. “That’s the crazy-making part – you’re always comparing.”

Defining The Good-Enough Marriage

London pediatrician Donald Winnicott coined the term “good-enough mother.” A good-enough mother stands in contrast to a “perfect” mother. She provides a safe environment, connection and ultimately, independence, to facilitate the child’s development. A good-enough mother meets some, but not all, of her child’s needs.

Can the good-enough theory apply to romantic partners as well?

“Good enough, rather than the fairy-tale model, which is a big disappointment, is a reasonable way to picture married life,” says Louanne Cole Weston, PhD, WebMD’s sex and relationship expert.

Katharine Parks of Chillicothe, Ohio, married John at 19 and has been happily wed for 32 years. She says the terminology is right on target. “In American society, we are always going for much more than we actually need. We’re expecting too much from a relationship. I think realizing this is ‘as good as it gets’ and that life isn’t ‘once-upon-a-time’ is important to building a life together.”

Scott Haltzman, MD, a clinical assistant professor at Brown University’s department of psychiatry and human behavior, says the issue of settling for a certain person or behavior in a relationship is one of the principles of happiness – if you reframe it as “acceptance.”

“We live in a culture where we’re being told through all forms of media, ‘Don’t accept anything but the best.’ We all marry ‘the wrong person.’ I think the real challenge of marriage is to get out of the romantic, over-idealized phase and into the ‘Now what?’ phase. Making adjustments, modifying expectations, and settling is something that happens throughout the entire relationship, not just the day you stand in front of the altar,” he tells WebMD. “We need to broaden our view of what acceptable means.”

Pepper Schwartz, PhD, a relationship expert at perfectmatch.com and professor of sociology at the University of Washington, acknowledges that the term “good enough” carries a negative – and unnecessary – connotation.

“The implication of settling for good enough is that at some core level you will be dissatisfied,” Schwartz tells WebMD. “It’s a downer concept for sure. The whole feeling has infected society in a way that is shocking.” She draws a sports analogy. “I’m a good skier, I have a lot of fun skiing, but I don’t say I’m a ‘good enough skier.’ I wish we could just call it a ‘good marriage.'”

Schwartz says that being in a state of constant aspiration is a form of “self-torture.”

“If I had to settle for a new Oldsmobile when what I really want is a Porsche, I’ll never be satisfied. In truth, the Oldsmobile is new, it’s pretty, and it works. Why wouldn’t I be satisfied with it?”

Haltzman notes in his book, “The Secrets of Happily Married Women: How to
Get More out of Your Relationship by Doing Less” (Jossey-Bass), that for centuries happiness was not a factor in good marriages. Rather, marriage was a practical matter that ensured social and financial security and provided for offspring. It’s only over the last century that couples have expected marriage to bring them happiness. We’re learning as we go.

David Rice of Alpharetta, Ga., agrees. Married for five years to Cynthia, he points to his parents’ long marriage and the role model of World War II couples. “Think back to those soldiers, who just wanted to get home to a woman who came from a church-going family, could dance, and was happy to marry a nice guy. Prerequisites have changed.”

He admits that his romantic journey didn’t go as planned. “At the ripe old age of 44, I felt the time was right and I wanted to get married. I found somebody I could build something with, but regardless of the attraction, it wasn’t puppy love. I actually treated it like a business decision, as cold or callous as that might sound. I didn’t feel I had time to make a couple of mistakes. I felt I had to hit it out of the park.”

A Pragmatic View Of Marriage

Experts and married couples both agree: It’s a fantasy to think you’ll achieve perfection in a relationship. Chemistry, while important, is not all-important, and the “soul mate” concept sets the bar unrealistically high.

“The good-enough marriage that de-emphasizes romantic love in favor of a pragmatic relationship is a very important topic that addresses the idealization of romance and the failures that inevitably occur due to unattainable expectations,” says Michael D. Zentman, PhD, director of the postgraduate program in marriage and couple therapy at Adelphi University.

Belinda Rachman, an attorney in Carlsbad, Calif., has been married to Eliot for more than 20 years. “I made a rational choice that had nothing to do with romantic love and have been very happy. I had a written ‘man plan.’ As each successive relationship failed, I took a look at what I had to have in a man, what qualities I had to have and what was negotiable; I knew I didn’t want to go on another emotional roller-coaster ride. When I look at the utter mess made by couples who have based a marriage on being in love with no thought to basic compatibility, I know I made the right choice.”

Terri, an artist based in Roswell, Ga., who has been married for eight-and-a-half years, says the good-enough concept resonates with her.

“I did have a fantasy idea of what marriage was going to be. By the time I got married in my mid-30s, I had a lot of dating experience and the bubble burst. We had a child within the first year of marriage, and it got pretty practical pretty quickly,” says Terri, who asked that her last name not be used. “The ever-shifting process of coming together, compromising, and the day-to-day of housekeeping and child rearing have taught me to accept Thomas for who he is. When that happened, I truly felt a sense of relief, a comfortable feeling of where I have landed. I’m much more relaxed.”

Recognizing Mr. Or Ms. “Good Enough”

In Tyler Perry’s films, the girl often gets the guy – but there’s a caveat: He’s not usually the guy she pictured herself with. In fact, it’s usually a regular guy – the proverbial “diamond in the rough” – that she’s overlooked.

As we mature and learn more about who we are, recognize our inadequacies and learn to accept those of our mate, we are better equipped to “screen in” candidates who are good enough, experts say.

Gottlieb believes many of us – herself included – have dismissed potential mates based on looks, habits, or their superficial “deal breakers.” In her article, she writes about her own change of heart in terms of what romance and marriage is or isn’t supposed to be.

Cynthia Rice underwent a similar change. “Earlier in my life, I had certain criteria in my mind, like ‘I’m not going to choose someone without a certain stature in life or money,” she says. “I consider [settling] reprioritizing. We all have a little more baggage. I realized David was really smart. We can have a conversation and connect even while we are grinding out the day.”

“I made a practical choice in a mate,” she tells WebMD. “It’s not what we look like to our neighbors or to society. It’s what we have here in our home.”

Although everyone has different requirements of a potential spouse, experts offer five guidelines to help you determine the qualities needed for sharing “good enough” lifetime together.

Compatibility. “Similar styles in living, similar ways of operating, whether more rational or emotional, will help you avoid chronic disappointment,” Weston says. Gottlieb speaks of lifestyles that can “meld.”

Sexual Attraction. “You need adequate sexual attraction, some chemistry, but you each don’t have to like 17 body parts,” Weston says.

Similar Goals. You may have a laundry list of ideal qualities in a mate, but narrow down your list to three must-have traits, Schwartz suggests. “You only have so many ‘slots’ someone can fulfill, whether it’s a shared love of travel, a similar outlook on money, or raising children.” Schwartz cautions about seeking what she calls “incongruent characteristics” from a partner. “Some women marry industry lions and then are surprised when they bite,” she says.

Respect. “If you admire someone, you are way ahead,” says Schwartz.

Gut Check. Finally, Weston suggests trusting your gut for clues on whether someone is good enough for you. “Nine years before I married my husband, I was engaged to another man,” she says. “I had funny little shooting pains and a twitch in that hand; I wasn’t sleeping well. My body was giving me clues.”

By Suzanne Wright
Reviewed by Louise Chang
© 2008 WebMD, Inc. All rights reserved.

Washington Post Online

By Jennifer Huget
Special to The Washington Post | Tuesday, December 18, 2007; HE06

Getting divorced isn’t anyone’s idea of a good time. But doing it right can set the stage for a happier life for you, your ex and your kids. Here are tips from five divorce experts — three men, two women, four of them divorced themselves (two of them twice) — for getting through it.

1. Face facts . . . : We’re in peak divorce season, says Richard Mikesell, a clinical psychologist in the District and editor of “Integrating Family Therapy” (APA). “People put it off till after the holidays,” he says. And sometimes “the holidays make it clear that ‘this isn’t working.”

2. . . . But get a second opinion: Mikesell advises couples to first seek counsel with a “highly qualified clinical psychologist or family therapist.” “If you start with a divorce lawyer or divorce mediator, you’re going to get a divorce. Before you amputate, go get an opinion from somebody who is not a surgeon.” This may not save the marriage, he says, “but there might be a chance.”

3. Set the tone: Belinda Rachman, a lawyer in Carlsbad, Calif., and principal of Divorce in a Day Mediation, says the parties should try to “keep the drama down, be rational and get through this as peacefully as possible.” She suggests starting with a conversation like this: “Our marriage isn’t working; I’m sorry, and it’s sad. But we have kids and a job to do together for the next 10 or so years, and we have to make it comfortable for the children.”

4. Take your time: Giving each other time to come to grips with the idea of divorce is crucial, advises Robert Emery, a professor of psychology at the University of Virginia and author of “The Truth About Children and Divorce” (Viking Adult). “If you’re the one wanting out, you need to be patient,” he says. “You’ve been thinking about this for a while. It will take time for your ex to get to that place.” Constance Ahrons, a professor emerita of sociology at the University of Southern California, agrees. “People often make bad decisions during times of high stress,” says Ahrons, author of “We’re Still Family: What Grown Children Have to Say About Their Parents’ Divorce” (HarperCollins). Seeing a marriage counselor together, she suggests, can help couples figure out what has gone wrong and what might be salvaged. Note: Recommendations for patience don’t apply to cases involving domestic abuse. In such cases, “get out,” says Ed Sherman, a California family law attorney and author of the forthcoming “Make Any Divorce Better.”

Go away. Hide. Get a restraining order. Go to a place that specializes in domestic abuse counseling.

5. Opt out of court: All five experts generally agree that a professional mediator is a better choice for resolving your differences than a litigation-oriented lawyer — with certain caveats, Mikesell adds, such as when there’s a “huge power imbalance” between husband and wife. “The court system creates stress and drama by its very nature,” Rachman says. She suggests that couples visit a lawyer together for a one-hour consultation, “just to learn the rules, get the child-support guidelines, what the general property-division laws are in that state.” Rachman advises working out child-custody and visitation arrangements with a mediator or a family therapist. Sherman agrees: “Realize that the legal system is a place of fighting. You want to avoid fighting.”

6. Keep kids out of it:”Children should not be set up as prizes,” Rachman says. “Unless one parent is a terrible alcoholic or a pedophile, kids need to see both parents as much as possible.” Rachman also cautions against using children to pass messages between parents. “Communicate through e-mails,” she suggests, “not on the phone or in person when kids can overhear.” Emery says a parent’s first job is to provide “a stable emotional environment” for kids. Most of all, he says, let kids be kids. “I tell kids all the time, ‘Your job through all this is to be a kid, to do all the things a kid does.’ ” Sherman says: “You have to show [kids] that problem-solving works. . . . So what if you’re living in an apartment and not a mansion? You can be happy there.”

7. Don’t assume that, because there are no kids, this will be easy: Easier, maybe. Easy, no. “There is absolutely no research on divorce in people with no kids,” Ahrons says. “People don’t take it as seriously when you’re divorcing without children, so you may not get the same attention from friends or acknowledgment of the losses you’re going through.”

8. Confide with care:”Try not to bad-mouth your spouse to common friends or family,” Ahrons says. “It puts them in the middle, and you’re likely to regret things you said.” If you need to vent, Ahrons advises, “save that for somebody who’s not a mutual friend.” On the flip side, Sherman suggests, “Do not take advice from friends and relatives. They don’t know what they’re talking about.”

9. Get a grip: Emery says that divorce dredges up all kinds of emotions, from pain and grief to loneliness and fear, that easily morph into anger. It’s important, he says, to “recognize your feelings and separate them from what you’ve got to do on a day-to-day basis.” And although you’re not likely, at first, to be friends with your ex, “work to have a businesslike relationship,” Sherman says. “Make an agreement that you’re not going to discuss personal stuff while discussing the business of divorce,” he suggests, and set up a separate time to hash out the personal matters.

10. Be well: As your divorce proceeds, “take care of yourself in whatever ways you can,” Ahrons suggests. “Be with close friends when you can. Find a safe haven where you can talk. Go to sleep earlier. Plan special treats: Get a massage or go to the movies. Watch your drinking and eating behavior.” Finally, Ahrons says, “If you can’t get out of feeling very depressed, lonely or angry, get professional help.” Sherman adds: “The thing your child needs most is for you to be okay, to be well. You can’t fool them.”

If you have questions you’d like to see addressed, send them to http://health@washpost.comand mark the subject line “Life’s Big Questions.”

During tough economic times,
couples find that financial problems can affect their marriage.

By Marilyn Gardner | Staff writer of The Christian Science Monitor
from the November 17, 2008 edition

Life changed in June for Thomas and Jennifer Dodson of Sacramento, Calif., when he was laid off by the architecture firm where he worked. He immediately started his own consulting firm. Although the work is rewarding and fulfilling, it continues to be an “immense struggle,” he says.

Yet he praises his wife for being “more than great” throughout this experience. “She has been a rock. Despite the stress and turmoil this has brought into our life, this has made us closer than ever. I don’t know how people do it without the support of their spouse. Having that other person there whispering in your ear and telling you you can do it is so powerful.”

As families face layoffs, shrinking retirement funds, and credit-card debt, economic uncertainties can test marriages and relationships. Some couples, like the Dodsons, are finding renewed strength and closeness.
Others will head for divorce court. Still others are trying to solve their differences in more amicable ways. Whatever the circumstances, Howard Markman, codirector of the Center for Marital and Family Studies at the University of Denver, reminds couples that even though they don’t have control over what happens with their employment, they do have control over their support for each other. “Focus on what you can control,” he says. “That’s your marriage and your family.”
These challenges affect couples at all income levels. “Often women have expectations regarding their husband’s ability to produce, provide, and protect,” says Elinor Robin, a divorce mediator in Boca Raton, Fla. “When he is unable to meet these expectations and she is unable to accept and see beyond her needs, there is a chipping away at the bond that connects them.”

Husbands face challenges, too. Szifra Birke, a wealth counselor in Chelmsford, Mass., tells of a client who earns $200,000 a year. “He has such extreme anxiety from losing $160,000 [in the stock market] that he is snapping at his wife and children for going to the movies. He is micromanaging all purchases, including Dunkin’ Donuts coffee, and he told his wife she shouldn’t drive so much or text message their kids.”
In addition to conflicts like these over spending and saving, those who are under economic stress tend to be less able to notice things that are going well in their relationships with their spouse and children, says Stephanie Coontz, director of research at the Council on Contemporary Families in Chicago. “As soon as something goes wrong, they will be much more conscious of any behavior that is not helpful and tend to respond to it much more abruptly and negatively: ‘You didn’t pay that bill on time.’ One of the first things that falls out of family life under stress are little exchanges of gratitude and appreciation that maintain smooth relationships. Appreciation is so important in families.”

One young woman who came to Jeffrey Wasserman’s law office recently seeking divorce counseling was sobered by the financial realities of dividing assets when the value of homes and portfolios is down.

“After I went over what their lifestyle was now and what it would become after a divorce, she went home and is in the process of trying to reconcile the marriage,” says Mr. Wasserman, a divorce lawyer in Boca Raton. “It all was grounded in the economic downturn.”

Noting that divorce filings are down about 17 percent in Florida, Wasserman says, “People are deciding to stay together to see if they can pool their resources to get through this hard economic time. They’re keeping resources in one pot rather than dividing them.”

Yet he cautions that couples must reconcile for the right reasons. “Unless they and their spouse do something to try to rekindle the flame or put the marriage together, it’s going to wind up terminating somewhere down the road.”
Sheryl Kurland, author of “Everlasting Matrimony,” likes to put today’s challenges in a historical context.

When she interviewed 75 couples who had been married 50 years or more, many talked about losing jobs and living through hard times. For most, she says, “Divorce never entered the picture. They said, ‘Somehow we’re going to work this out.’ These couples simply did not buy what they couldn’t afford. If they couldn’t buy it [then], they would go home and say, ‘How can we save our pennies so we can buy the washing machine?’ ”
The couples also found creative ways to make their relationship lively, Ms. Kurland says. “They would cook a meal together, pack a picnic lunch and go to a park, or turn on the radio and dance. They were spending time together without spending money.” She adds, “The ingredients for a healthy, loving relationship never change. Only the peripheral factors around you change.”

Communication is essential. “Decisions must be agreed upon together with a view towards reducing the burdens,” says Jerome Wisselman, a lawyer in Great Neck, N.Y.

Although family specialists agree that it is helpful for couples to share their concerns, some caution that constantly voicing fears will only fuel anxieties. “Keep the conversations, even the disagreements, focused on the subject and not the person,” says Maryann Karinch, an author of books on interpersonal skills. “Do not make accusatory or sarcastic remarks that criticize your partner’s competence or judgment.” She also recommends that couples going through anxious financial times try some activity – athletic, volunteer, intellectual – that draws on their talents and focuses on something positive and mutually satisfying.

Instead of letting the financial stress rip a family apart, couples can experience it as an opportunity to pull together, says Belinda Rachman, a divorce mediation attorney in Carlsbad, California.

Coontz takes the long view. “One of the things that can come out of this experience, difficult though it is, is a renewed understanding that our own individual fortunes as a family or a marriage are really not separable from those of other families,” she says. “If you have compassion for other people and gratitude toward other people, you are also more likely to have that toward your own family members.”