“Until Kids Do Us Part”

Pittsburg Parent website:

By Mary Jo Rulnick

Cozy dinners in a candlelit corner, long walks under the twinkling stars and dream vacations at exotic places are some of the cherished memories you and your spouse shared as a couple. Unfortunately, those idyllic moments seem to have ended abruptly when baby made three or four or five. Once you’re a family, finding quiet time for the two of you can be a thing of the past. In fact, sometimes you wonder if there really was a B.K.-before kids.
A Newsweek article reported more couples divorce in the year after the arrival of their first child than any other time, other than the first year of marriage. So what challenges can cause such strife and what can couples do to keep a relationship going

Everyday Challenges
Although you have nine months to prepare for the arrival of your bundle of joy, you can never truly be prepared for all the changes that occur. This joyous time can be a stressful time as your carefree couple status transitions to parents with a little person who is completely dependent upon you. On top of that, consider the extra workload of a child, increase in expenses and the challenges of daily living, too. The responsibility can be overwhelming and it can take some time to adjust to all of it.

Learn to communicate. Relationships can be challenging. Many of us do not have strong models to follow when it comes to communication. And communication can be crucial to a loving relationship. Renee Trudeau, life coach and author of The Mother’s Guide to Self-Renewal, offers a suggestion she uses in her own marriage. When a discussion could become heated, her communication reminder is “do you want to be right or be in relationship?” Trudeau often resorts to “quiet breaks” when she feels like she’s reached her limit and could blow up.

“It’s always better to go this route than to say things you may later regret,” says Trudeau. She also knows her partner shuts down and withdraws when her voice escalates, so she keeps this in mind. She recommends couples sit down once a week for a family planning meeting to talk about the upcoming week and to make sure they’re on the same page. This weekly meeting also gives each other a heads-up if one of them has a particularly challenging week ahead and may need some extra support and TLC.

Discuss your financial issues. One of the top reasons couples fight stems from money issues, says Trudeau. Make a commitment to have monthly discussions about finances. On the agenda, include creating a budget, addressing your debt, deciding who will pay bills each month and possible meetings with a financial planner. Find a way to come to peace with your money issues. “Everyone has them (money issues),” says Trudeau. So decide how and when you and your partner are going to address yours in a way that best works for your relationship.

Same parental ground rules. Children learn quickly that they can get what they want by playing dad against mom and vice versa. Divorce attorney Belinda Rachman, Esq. warns “I have seen more marriages end due to child rearing disputes than any other reason, except money. Be on the same page about parenting.”

Rachman advises parents to have consistent rules, values, consequences and never allow yourselves to fall into the “good cop”/“bad cop” roles. Rachman believes there is nothing more important you can do for both yourselves and your children than to be in alignment on how to bring up children. “If they sense they can get a better deal from one of you,” says Rachman, “they will cause all kinds of trouble and learn how to manipulate people.”

Split the to-do list. Many times it feels as if there are more chores to do than time to do them. Splitting the chores between you and your partner will allow more time for the two of you afterwards. For example, mom does the laundry while dad feeds and changes the baby, offers Kathy Stafford, author of Relationship Remorse. This way, you’re both doing your chores at the same time and hopefully will finish about the same time so you can relax together.

Five minutes for mom. The hectic schedule of a family’s lifestyle can turn a calm woman into a frazzled one. Women are so busy nurturing everyone around them that they forget to nurture themselves. And an overstressed, over-exhausted wife doesn’t make for a great partner. Moms need time away from the kids to nurture themselves and maintain their girl-to-girl friendships, says Stafford. So, take a “girls only” night out while your husband takes care of the kids.

Fair Divorce In A Day | Fair Fast & Affordable Divorce Mediation

Do You Think Your California Divorce Lawyer Is Your Friend? Better consider Divorce Mediation!
Author: Belinda Rachman, Esq.

Whether you live in Los Angeles or La Jolla, you need to beware of hiring a divorce lawyer because almost every divorce attorney has added a clause in their fee agreement giving them the right to put a lien on your home to make sure they get paid. Some people are so mad at their soon to be ex that they don’t recognize how much their own divorce lawyer is manipulating the situation just to keep the case going because they know they are going to be paid from the forced sale of the home.

Many areas of Orange County are known for having multi million dollar beach front homes with enough equity to be very attractive to the local Orange County divorce lawyers. For those owning such lovely homes and contemplating divorce, may I suggest you drive from Orange County to San Diego County so that you can work with a mediator who will save you hundreds of thousands of dollars so that the two of you can benefit from your beautiful home instead of your divorce lawyer getting it. A short trip to Carlsbad will be worth your time.

But maybe you are north of Orange County, someplace in Los Angeles and you don’t even have equity in your home but you have children, which means we need to deal with custody issues. Los Angeles divorce lawyers are no better at helping families settle their differences out of court than their Orange County or San Diego counterparts. Too many lawyers are happy to stir the pot and keep the custody case going because they know parents will fight like crazy to keep custody of their children. It is worth the drive from Los Angeles County to San Diego County so that you can preserve some kind of workable co-parenting relationship. You don’t want your children getting caught in the middle of a nasty divorce and they don’t have to. Working together in mediation saves much more than money, it saves your children from having to choose between parents. After all, it is your divorce and not your child’s. Carlsbad is just south of Camp Pendleton in North San Diego County. It is approximately 25 minutes south of Dana Point and an hour and a half south of Downtown Los Angeles.

Ask your divorced friends what their experience was. If they hated court and their own divorce lawyer, what does that tell you? Are you going to do the same thing they did and expect a different result or are you going to take a short drive to Carlsbad, CA so you can work with a divorce attorney with a 100% success rate with hundreds and hundreds of couples doing peaceful divorce mediation?

All the best,

Belinda Rachman, Esq.
Your Peaceful Divorce Expert
Divorce In A Day Mediation

(760) 720-9324

Peaceful divorce is a great option for many people. Please review the questions below to see if you believe Peaceful Divorce is a good choice for you.

1. Would you like to avoid court and lawyers so that you can have a peaceful divorce?

2. After your spouse sees the value of a peaceful divorce, do you believe they would sit down with you and a mediator in order to settle your issues outside of court?

3. In order for Peaceful Divorce to work, both of you need to disclose all your property to each other. Do you believe both of you can do that?

4. Are you and your spouse interested in saving money on legal fees and protecting your children from a nasty divorce?

5. Do you like the idea of making decisions without a judge telling you what to do?

6. Would you prefer to resolve your divorce quickly so that you can move on with your life?

7. Can the two of you afford to share the $5,000 cost (plus your court’s filing fee?)

If you answered yes to all these questions, peaceful divorce is for you.

1. Appoint a Special Master (go to person) for disputed issues regarding the kids Instead of running to court when issues come up in the future, build into your divorce agreement a back door to avoid court. Is there a couple who has already successfully raised their children, whose opinion you trust? They would be the perfect Special Master to use when kid disputes arise in the future. This is an honor most people would gladly accept. When issues come up, the parents go to the Special Master, explain their positions and leave it to the Special Master to give their best advice which would be followed by the parents. This avoids court and attorney expenses. If you don’t know a couple like this have one parent give a list of 3 child therapists to the other parent who will interview them and make the final decision. That way each parent has input.

2. Joint Custody Ideas – If you are looking at joint custody arrangements, how about the popular 5/2 2/5. This is a very stable and predictable way of child sharing that insures no more than 5 days will ever go by without seeing the children. One parent takes each Monday and Tuesday while the other parent takes each Wednesday and Thursday then have every other weekend which will either be Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Monday and Tuesday to one parent and then Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday and Sunday to the other parent. The children always know where they are that day and there are fewer transitions.

3. Child Custody Ideas – Nesting This is for parents who are really focused on the best interest of the children and need to save money. This is YOUR divorce, not your kid’s. Why should they suffer just because the two of you are getting divorced? They don’t want to move and they don’t want to go stay at mom or dad’s new place. They want to be in their own room, in their own neighborhood, close to their friends. So the two of YOU move in and out of the house when it is your turn to be with the kids. When you are not in the big house, you are at the shared bachelor pad. This can be an inexpensive studio or one bedroom flat that is shared by the parents. You need to have rules about not leaving tell tale items that belong to lovers and clean after yourself. This saves a LOT of money since no one has to rent or buy a new place that is big enough to accommodate the kids.

4. Support Modification – As circumstances change, it may become necessary to modify child or spousal support. Most states have some sort of calculation they use to determine support. Any paralegal can run the numbers for you so there is nothing to fight about. In your divorce agreement, add a clause that states that the two of you want to reduce legal fees by having informal modifications when there is a change in circumstances. Agree to exchange year to date income information and to use a paralegal to determine support and draft a stipulation in order to avoid court. Also include an attorney fee provision that says if one party does not abide by this agreement and the non breaching party seeks relief from the court, they WILL be entitled to attorney fees. This way everyone has an incentive to follow the agreement.

5. How To Find A Mediator – The phone book is full of divorce attorneys. How do you know who to trust? When looking for a mediator it is best to avoid the wolves in sheep’s clothing. You do not want an attorney who primarily practices adversarial law. While it is best to use a mediator who is an experienced lawyer so they can give accurate legal information to the couple, you want to use someone who focuses primarily or better yet, exclusively on mediation instead of litigation. Ask the mediator how many mediations they have done (the more the better), what their success rate is, how long it takes and the cost. Then compare the answers to see who the two of you like best.

6. Mediation Won’t Work For These Kinds Of People – Mediation is not right for everyone. Experts agree that about 15% of the cases involve high conflict personality types (Borderline, Narcissistic, Histrionic and Antisocial). Those kinds of people want to fight. They need the drama and chaos that IS our adversarial system. Mediation is also not right for people who are hiding income or assets. Dishonest people will not deal fairly with their spouse which forces the honest spouse to hire an attorney to do discovery in order to uncover hidden information.

7. Photos and Albums – Don’t forget about the family photos. Everyone will want at least some. If you have the negatives, use joint funds to make copies. If you don’t have the negatives anymore and both of you want the same photos, use joint funds to make copies. If you have children, they are the ones who will get these precious mementos. DO NOT tear the other parent out of the photos. It is not fair to the children who will want the photos intact when they grow up!

8. When Pets Are the Kids – This issue should be treated exactly like child custody. The parties are in a MUCH better position to make decisions about what is in the best interest of the animals. Courts do not want to be bothered with “property” issues like pets so they will not be much help. A couple will be much better off if they engage in mediation when pets are involved. You can tailor a custody and visitation agreement where the two of you can share the pets as you would children. Both of you should be responsible for vet costs or any other extraordinary costs. If you use doggy daycare, those costs can be shared. Be realistic about whether or not the pet has a primary bond to one person or the other. And like human children, pets that have grown up together and love each other, should not be divided. They are better off together.

9. Coin Flip Provision For Dividing Property – It is insane to spend money on fighting about who gets what. There are some things that should naturally go to one spouse instead of the other and you both know it so don’t fight about it. Go through the house together and identity who wants what. For everything that you can’t agree on, flip a coin one time. If it comes up heads, the person who is older picks first, tails the younger person picks first. They will pick the thing they want the MOST and then it is the other person’s turn, going back and forth until all items have been chosen.

5 Financial Steps Before Divorce

divorce360 article here:

Finances: Trying to Get Out of Your Marriage? 5 Financial Steps to Help

By Brian O’Connell

The time has come, you think. No point in putting off the inevitable. Your marriage just isn’t going to work out, so time to file for divorce right? Not so fast says Susan Carlisle a Woodland Hills, CA, CPA. A divorce is a business deal that revolves strictly around numbers. Before you split from your spouse, you need to re-evaluate your financial situation in order to guarantee a successful financial future. Try to find an outlet for your emotions during this time so you can focus solely on establishing your assets, figuring out your finances and building your credit. Use these five tips from divorce experts to help guide you along your way to financial freedom.

1. Get a copy of your credit report.
You can obtain a free copy of your credit history from three major credit reporting agencies: Experian, TransUnion and Equifax. The credit report will show you outstanding loan balances, mortgages and credit card debt that you and your spouse will split in due course. This is also a good way to find out every account that is in your name—including any your spouse has never disclosed to you, said Belinda Rachman, Esq. “There may be joint accounts you are not even aware of and balances that might surprise you,” she said. Hopefully, by pulling your credit report you can ensure any disagreements are worked out before the divorce is final.

2. Open up credit cards in your name.
If you haven’t already done so, it is important to have a credit card and bank account in your name, said Rachman, and easier to do so before the divorce is over. Since you most likely share joint credit cards and bank accounts now, it should be simple to open some in just your name. However, once your divorce is official, applying for a credit card can become difficult, especially if you’ve never established credit in your own name. Also, be sure to take stock of any debt that has amassed while you were married. “Consider not only mortgage debt, but home equity loans, car payments and credit card debt,” advised Jody C. D’Agostini, a certified financial planner at AXA Advisors in Morristown, New Jersey. “That’s why it would be prudent to run a credit check. Even if you personally didn’t borrow the money, if it was taken out while you were married, it is considered to be marital debt, and you can be held liable. If your credit rating has been hurt, you need to start by securing credit in your own name.”

3. Asses your ability to retire.
If divorce comes while you are close to retirement, get acquainted with the Social Security Administration (www.ssa.gov) to make sure you get the retirement package you deserve. A 62-year-old person who was married for at least 10 years and divorced for more than two may be eligible to collect benefits as a result of the Social Security record of their ex-spouse. Also, ask someone in the human resources department at your place of employment for the current balances on your various retirement vehicles, suggested Rachman. “Ask if they need a certain kind of order to divide them. Some plans need specific court orders; ask if they can email you a sample order,” she said. Check your life insurance – especially your disability insurance, too. “If you are the main breadwinner, your disability insurance should be brought up to date,” said D’Agostini. “It is far more likely that you will become disabled during your working years than die. Others are homeowner’s insurance and an umbrella policy. Make sure you shop the rates, as the premiums can vary greatly, but be most clear to get the amount of coverage that you need.”

4. Support yourself and your children with ample savings.
“You should have enough cash to sustain you and your children, if any, for six months,” advised Carlisle, who has handled about 250 divorces in the last eight years as a financial consultant. “If you haven’t been working outside the home, assess your abilities to support yourself. Plan a possible future career, and enroll in school. If you are working, and you are dissatisfied with your job, start actively pursuing alternatives,” she said. Legal fees, moving costs and other expenses must be paid on time, so having access to cash is imperative. Steer clear of obtaining extra joint debt by closing any joint accounts or credit cards. If your spouse doesn’t have any means of support, wait until they open a credit card in their name. Not doing so will only hurt the children involved.

5. Take note of all your possessions.
Carlisle suggests videotaping the contents of your house and anything you may have in a safe. Assets that you acquired before you got married (cars, money, real estate, etc.) are yours to keep when your divorce is final. However, anything that is put into a joint account — even if it was once yours — can be deemed joint property by a court. As much as possible, you should make every attempt to fairly divide marital property without any drama or lawyers, advised Rachman. You’d be surprised how much more you get if you split it in two rather than splitting it in four with the lawyers, she said. A bonus, albeit a unique one. If you’re a woman planning on dating and you’re husband had a vasectomy, you might want to visit the OB/GYN and brush up on current birth control methods. Why does this have to do with money?

“Any child born into the marriage (in most states) is the child of the husband, no matter what,” noted Adryenn Ashley, author of “Every Single Girl’s Guide To Her Future Husband’s Last Divorce.” “DNA won’t get you out of it. So for guys getting out, don’t forget the condoms, or better yet, freeze some sperm for later if you need, and get fixed now, before you get stuck with 18 years of child support for another mans child.” Also, if you’re considering marrying someone who has already been divorced, Ashley recommends a few key steps. “Make sure that your pension beneficiary is changed,” she said. “I know a shocked second wife who found out too late that her hubby of 25 years never changed the form and his first wife got it all.” That’s the kind of financial surprise that no divorced person needs.