With Mackenzie Phillips’ disclosure about an incestuous relationship with her father, expect a torrent of articles about the topic of child sexual abuse.  Sometimes it takes a public figure coming forward before the rest of us really start to pay attention. This is what happened when Rock Hudson came out of the closet and then later died of complications of HIV.

Hopefully, some good will come out of this latest bombshell, other than to sell Ms. Phillips’ new book. Unfortunately for far too many people engaged in divorce, false allegations of incest are made so that one side can get a leg up in a custody battle. Making one of the worst allegations any person could make against another and knowing it is false, shows just how insane our adversarial divorce process can be.

Mackenzie was 19 at the time the sexual abuse started, but I have been involved in cases where the children were younger, much younger. You never want to dismiss these kinds of allegations before being absolutely certain that they are false, which can mean both interviews and medical exams of the children.

Since the subject of sexual abuse of children is in the news, it might be a good time to review some of the signs and symptoms of child sexual abuse.  Changes in sleeping patterns,  bed wetting, and children having nightmares or bad dreams on a regular basis can be tip-offs that something is going on.

If you have a child who has always had a sunny disposition and suddenly becomes depressed, irritable or angry, something could be wrong. Low self esteem, guilt and shame coming from a child who never exhibited those traits before could also be a warning to you.  Avoidance of certain people or places is another red flag. Sexual advances or instances of inappropriate touch can indicate a child has been exposed to sexual behavior.

A sudden drop in grades in school aged children is another possible sign of child abuse. There can be logical explanations for many of these signals, but taken overall, the more of the above mentioned signs you see, the more likely the child is being abused.

If the statistics are correct, one in four girls and at least one in ten boys are sexually abused in some way by the time they are 18, and it is  important to remember that these statistics reflect only reported abuse – what goes unreported is anyone’s guess. The facts also indicate that the overwhelming majority of abusers are known to the victims, and in fact, it is estimated that only ten to 15% of abusers are strangers while half of all assaults take place in the child’s home or the offender’s home.

It is no wonder that allegations of sexual abuse by a parent are taken seriously by the court. It is in society’s best interest that children are protected from abuse. But sexual abuse is not the only kind of abuse a child can experience. With half of all marriages ending in divorce, millions of children are caught in the middle when their parents battle over property, custody and support issues.

Very few divorce lawyers charge flat fees for their services, so the more a couple fights, the more money they shell out to their lawyers. Making false allegations of sexual molestation ensures a divorce case will go on for a long time, depleting the couple of funds and goodwill towards each other.

Children who duck the verbal bullets flying over their heads as their parents engage in a war of words are victims of abuse themselves.  To allow a lawyer to make wild, unfounded allegations against the other parent is inherently abusive to the children. Sometimes children arebeing abused and it is important to protect them appropriately from an abuser, but to escalate tensions by falsely accusing a parent of such an unspeakable act is monstrous in itself.

Mackenzie Phillips was a victim of her parents’ divorce, drug use and sexual perversions. It has scarred  her for life. The sins of her parents have been visited on the child, and now she is sharing her story with the world.  If there is a lesson to be learned here, it is to think carefully about who you have children with before you bring another person into the world.

But there is also the lesson of being able to recognize an abused child when you see one.  Mackenzie Phillips must have manifested many of the above mentioned signs, and an alert and caring adult would have seen this girl was in trouble. Sometimes parents are so focused on their own pain, they don’t notice that children are suffering too, and with fewer coping mechanisms for that suffering than adults.

Get involved if you suspect something is wrong. Encourage parents to divorce peacefully without fighting in court so children are not caught in the middle of the familial equivalent of WWIII.

When your children come to you with their tales of marital woe beware. There will be a great temptation to finance your child’s divorce, thinking that you are helping them get custody or more marital property but in most cases, hiring separate divorce lawyers is the death knell for any co-parenting relationship. Grandparents generally do not have rights to access their grandchildren in either divorce cases or when the parents are still together. Paying for your child’s attorney will be seen by the other parent as taking sides and when one parent “wins” custody, guess whose parents will get the short end of the child visitation stick? Because American courts give great deference to parents, allowing them to chose whom shall have access to their children, our own Supreme Court has held that “fit parents” are presumed to act in their children’s best interests. The state should not, therefore, “inject itself into the private realm of the family to question the decisions of those parents”. That means if the parents don’t want the grandparents to see the grandchildren, the parents choices will usually trump what ever “rights” the grandparents might think they have.

In the major grandparents rights case that made it to the Supreme Court, the father of the children had died. The grandparents had always had open access to the children but when mom remarried and the stepfather adopted them, the grandparents were no longer welcome to have much visitation, so the grandparents sued mom. One would think that the family of the dead parent would be given special consideration, but that was not the case. If courts are willing to cut off the grandparents in a situation where a parent has died, you can imagine how far grandparents get if the parents are just divorced.

A better course of action for grandparents to take when their children are getting divorced, is to be a peace keeper. Refrain from encouraging your child to hire the biggest shark in town. Believe it or not, very little good will come from escalating the emotional tension, which is the inevitable result of hiring separate lawyers. Each state has laws regarding property division and support. There is almost nothing to fight about if both sides are honest. As for custody, the last thing you want is court involvement into this area of a divorce. A far better solution when parents can’t agree on custody and are willing to leave it up to strangers to decide for them (lawyers/judges) is to use a stranger who is actually trained to get to the bottom of conflicts. Agree to leave all custody decisions to a family or child therapist, that way you can skip the lawyers, court and high legal bills in exchange for a fast and cost efficient solution.

Divorce mediation is the very best answer to the question of what to do when it is time to divorce. The couple can use one attorney instead of two. The attorney does not represent either side but is a great resource who can answer legal questions and help the couple negotiate an agreement and draft all the necessary paperwork. In states like California where the average cost of a contested divorce case is $20,000 per side, the cost of one mediator is a tiny fraction of the cost of a case that is fought in court. Any time you can cut lawyers out of a deal, you will save a lot of money. In divorce cases where children are involved, it is vital that they are not caught in the middle of their parents battle. Grandparents can give wise counsel to their own children by keeping the focus on what is in the best interest of the grand children. It is the rare case where kids are better off having limited contact with one of their parents. The best result in most cases is for the kids to be able to comfortably go back and forth between parents, but that is impossible after a bloody court battle. With many grandparents being the main source of funds for things like legal fees, they are in a powerful position to influence their own children’s decision as to how to proceed with a divorce. When grandparents understand what is at stake, they should act according to their own best interest by making sure there is never a war between the parents. That way the children are protected from a nasty court fight and their own access to the children is better protected.