How Do You Know When You’re in Love?
If life were a movie, love would cue the soaring soundtrack. In reality? It’s a bit more confusing, our dating expert says.

More.com article here:

By Sherry Amatenstein, LMSW

Q. This sounds like a weird question coming from a divorced 44-year-old mother of two. But how do you know when you’re in love? I married my college sweetheart because that’s what you were supposed to do. But I never felt like my ex was my soul mate. I’m not even sure what that means. I’m dating a really sweet guy. We’re compatible — he likes my kids, the sex is okay but still no stars. Is wanting it all an unreasonable expectation? — Diane

A. There are two schools of thought on the “is this love?” dilemma. The first says it’s like asking if you’ve ever experienced an orgasm. If you have to ask, you haven’t. Relationship expert Morgan Delaney, MS, explains, “Authentic love is the deepest of all relationships, the level of ultimate belonging, the kind of love that keeps us grabbing for the Kleenex when we watch An Affair to Remember for the umpteenth time.”
Then there is the thought voiced by one who knows — a divorce lawyer! California-based Belinda Rachman, Esq., considers love “the least reliable predictor of whether a marriage will last,” adding, “If a couple is compatible regarding their vision of how to raise children or spend/save money, they are miles ahead of the game.”

Perhaps the truth shakes out somewhere in the middle. You want your lover first and foremost to be your best friend. But you also need to occasionally make sex an event, something special. Lovemaking shouldn’t solely consist of matter-of-fact tumblings with Leno or Letterman as background music.

It’s normal for the initial high-testosterone lust, sweaty palms phase (hot flashes anyone?) to smooth into something tamer, friendlier, fueled by the “connection hormone” oxytocin. Attraction remains, even though tempered.

Why did your first marriage end? It sounds like passion was missing with this non-soul mate. Are you seeking out a similar dynamic, one perhaps rooted in a fear of really losing control and allowing yourself to become vulnerable? What will happen if you stop holding yourself back?

The first person you need to love is yourself. The idea is not to look for a partner who completes you, fills you, lives in your pocket so to speak, someone with whom you cannot bear to be parted for more than a bathroom break. Rather, you want to partner yourself with a man who lets you be you and gives you free rein when you need it, yet who you look forward to spending time with at the end of the day.

Your question, then, can be tweaked from “when is it love?” to “what do I need love to be?”

How To Chose The Right Divorce Lawyer

Author: Belinda Rachman, Esq.

You open up the phone book and are faced with so many ads for divorce lawyers you have no idea who to call. Divorce is scary because you have heard so many stories from your friends about how nasty and expensive their own divorce was. Or maybe you saw your own parents as they waited for their lawyers to return their call, and waited and waited. Every month they would get a bill for each phone call, letter or court appearance and at the end they hated their lawyer so much that it scares you now. All of these are typical responses. You have enough self preservation instinct to be wary of divorce lawyers. Everything you have seen, heard and experienced is true.

Having been a divorce lawyer since 1996 I will tell you the dirty inside secrets and warn you what to look out for. In California and maybe in your own state, divorce lawyers are the ONLY kind of lawyers whose fees are protected, by law, by the equity in their client’s home. Before you proceed with your divorce, you must find out how divorce lawyers in your state are paid. Do they have the right to run up huge bills and then slap a lien on your home and force a sale at the end of the case? Over the years I have seen many, many lawyers do everything in their power to keep the case going so they could run up a bill because they knew they were going to get paid. People who advertise themselves as being “aggressive” are playing to your worst instincts. Do you want the MOST you can get out of a settlement? If so, keep away from aggressive lawyers because by the time they are done, there will be little to divide.

Child custody and visitation issues bring out the fighting tiger in a lot of people because they are so angry at their ex it is hard for them to see how much their children need BOTH parents in their lives. It is the rare case where it would be in the child’s best interest to have limits on parental contact. Your focus during your divorce as well as your life, needs to be on what is best for the kids. Divorce lawyers who manipulate emotionally vulnerable clients by encouraging them to fight over the children are not doing them any favors. Depending on the age of the children you may have a very long co-parenting relationship ahead of you. Do you really need to start World War III with the father or mother of your child? A more child focused attorney will understand the need to create a peaceful relationship with your ex and not engage in a scorched earth policy.

The battle over property division can be the one that makes the least sense. How often do people spend more money on the fight than what the stuff is worth? People will get more if they cooperate with each other. This may seem counter intuitive to you but it is true. Think of it as dividing a pie. Which way will you get more, if you cut it in half between the two spouses or if you cut it in 4ths so that each spouse and their lawyer gets a share. Obviously the fewer hands in the pie the more you will get.

So what is the solution? How can you find the right lawyer who has the intention to serve you rather than themselves? I am going to start by making some statements and then I am going to ask you an important question. It is a fact that our legal system is adversarial. That means there is a fight with winners and losers. The rules of evidence and legal forms are so complicated you have to hire a guide to get you through the divorce process because it would be a full time job trying to figure it out for yourself. Given the state of affairs as they currently exist, does it make sense to avoid the whole adversarial system when getting a divorce? If keeping out of court and saving money on legal fees while protecting your assets and co-parenting relationship sounds good to you, then you really ought to explore mediation.

So let’s assume you want to proceed with mediation. You want to make sure the mediator you use has a great track record. The most important thing you want to know is how many couples have they worked with and what percentage settled. Once you find that out you can compare price, length of time it takes and other factors like personality and sex of the mediator before you make up your mind. The important thing is to have all the information you need to make an informed decision. Remember you only get one chance to have a “good divorce” so don’t go down the wrong road because you won’t like the destination.

Ms. Rachman has been a family law attorney since 1996 and has become so disheartened by our adversarial legal system that she walked away from a successful law practice and now only works with couples doing mediation.

Peaceful Divorce: An Idea Whose Time Has Come

article here:

By Belinda Etezad Rachman, Esq.,
Attorney-Mediator

Ask most people what it is like to go through a divorce and chances are you will hear a litany of horror stories about high legal costs, unfair results in court and lawyers who don’t care enough about their own clients to return phone calls. Splitting up a family and the assets that have been accumulated during a marriage is probably one of the most emotional transitions a person can go through. Being encouraged by legal counsel to litigate instead of being reasonable only exacerbates the bad feelings between a couple. Because of the high cost of legal assistance, it is more important than ever to make sure your lawyer has your best interests at heart and is not taking unnecessary steps so that they can profit by billing more hours to your account. If there are children involved it is crucial that the parents walk away from divorce court with the ability to co-parent, something that is hard to do after a long, bloody adversarial process. Finding a lawyer who takes pride in resolving a family law matter as quickly, inexpensively and with as little blood shed as possible is unusual.

Traditionally the process of getting a divorce has involved hiring lawyers, going to court and letting a judge or the lawyers decide and/or negotiate the outcome. The couple plays the most passive role in the legal drama. Because the decisions are coming from above instead of the couple themselves fashioning a result, it is often difficult for the couple to comfortably live with the final outcome. When the couple is more actively involved in creating the terms of their own divorce instead of having to put up with the “one size fits all” solution that the legal process gives them, there is a better fit and more of a commitment to make it work. Most people resent solutions that are imposed on them. It is natural that individuals are more satisfied when they get to decide for themselves instead of being told what to do.

The adversarial approach does not serve the co-parenting process nor is it economically efficient. The average divorce in California costs $20,000 each when both sides have attorneys. Of course the price will go up or down depending on how much the couple is encouraged to fight vs. being encouraged to be fair and settle. Divorcing couples can be extremely emotionally vulnerable and easily manipulated by legal counsel who can be more interested in racking up a huge bill instead of quickly, fairly and efficiently resolving the matter. While there are many ethical divorce lawyers who try their best to protect their clients, their orientation is still that of a “zealous advocate” which means they will do everything in their power to try to get their clients the best deal. This deal often costs more in legal fees than it is worth and usually results in making the couple so angry with each other it is impossible to co-parent.

Most people are unaware that family law attorneys are the ONLY kinds of lawyers in California whose fees are protected by the equity in their client’s home. By law they have the right to run up enormous fees and then slap a lien on the family home and force a sale, often taking more of the sales proceeds then their clients get to keep. Instead of the children of the divorcing couple getting the benefit of the equity their parents have built, the lawyer’s children are the ones who get to go to private school and the children of some divorcing couple will be lucky to have lunch money. It doesn’t have to be this way.

Divorce Mediation is an alternative that allows you to keep control of your own life, money and children. Most divorcing couples have a lot to protect and this can best be done by working together. Co-operation saves more than just money. The best gift you can give your children is to be able to co-parent with your spouse. Instead of a divorce taking years of expensive fighting, divorce mediation only takes a day or two partial days. While it may sound impossible that a total solution can be crafted in a 4-7 hour period, I have done it so many times with so many different types of couples, I know it works.

The attorney who acts as mediator does not represent either party but acts as a neutral facilitator who is a resource for both. The couple can ask the attorney/mediator legal questions and receive help in arriving at all the terms of their divorce. The mediator drafts the marital settlement agreement, which is the document that is attached to the Judgment. The judge signs the agreement without the couple ever going to court and the divorce becomes final 6 months from the day the initial papers were filed and served. When the mediator has a powerful intention to complete the divorce process instead of dragging it out, the results are miraculous.

As someone who taught school for many years, has a Masters in Special Education and worked with extremely emotionally disturbed children, my primary interest is to help couples do what is in the best interest of their children. It is not in your child’s best interest to spend all your money fighting with each other. It is not in their best interest to be caught in the cross fire of their parent’s nasty court battle. I have a unique ability to help couples focus on what is really important and get off the positions that keep them from settling. I do what I call “Divorce In A Day” by working with the couple to find each side’s bottom line, letting them know what the court would probably do, acting as a reality check if they have unreasonable expectations and constantly refocusing them on what is the most workable solution for their situation. I do all the paperwork associated with the divorce as well as helping the couple craft their own solution.

Divorce mediation works best with honest people who are not hiding assets and just want a result that is fair. Most couples who are in the initial stages of thinking about getting a divorce would do well to meet with a divorce mediator as opposed to hiring their own attorneys. You only get one chance at getting a divorce without acrimony. Once you start to go down that adversarial road, it is that much harder to get back to a place where you can function comfortably as co-parents.

Marital Misconduct Can Cost

divorce360 article here:

Legal: Some States Have Option to Rule in Favor of Victim of Marital Misconduct

By Kelly Sons

Just because you can get a no-fault divorce in many states doesn’t mean you are safe from accusations of marital misconduct that has a negative economic impact upon the spouse that’s the victim of the bad behavior, according to the National Legal Research Group.
Marital misconduct by legal definition is behavior that happens before the marriage ended. It destabilizes the marriage and causes the victim spouse a significant physical, emotional or financial burden. Among the actions that can be considered as marital misconduct: infidelity, alcohol or drug abuse, gambling, acting out against the victim by causing significant damage or harm, murder or attempted murder and any other criminal conduct.
Courts would also consider if the marital assets were excessively spent so the offender could participate in the misconduct. As an example, in 1990 a Pennsylvania court ruled in favor of the wife, awarding her all the marital assets after her ex-husband was found to have used money from their accounts to in a plot to murder her.
Many states that consider marital misconduct as an option also allow a spouse to choose a no-fault divorce as well. “What that means is if the couple is not acrimonious, they don’t have to check the nasty boxes on the initial divorce papers that indicate fault or guilt,” explained Belinda Rachman, a divorce attorney and mediation expert.
In 2008, Rhonda received her divorce in Tennessee, a state that considers fault when the offender-spouse’s actions cause future financial consequences. After years of marriage, “…I ended up with fractured vertebrae and severe depression. I couldn’t find a job anywhere because of my problems,” she said. The court awarded her the largest portion of her and her ex-husband’s assets.
States across the country vary in their consideration of marital misconduct charges. Some states, like Missouri, will consider marital misconduct if it placed an extraordinary burden on the victim spouse which forced the victim to take on more than half of the marital duties.
Some Americans think the no-fault divorce makes it too easy to get a divorce. However, some experts say a no-fault divorce is a better option than one in which grounds are used to determine why a divorce should be granted. The Tennessee Alliance for Legal Aid thinks having the option offers help for a victim spouse, who may have put in the majority or work and income into the marriage and can then be properly compensated in the divorce.
Rachman promotes the no-fault option explaining, “Lawyers have a vested interest in making a case nasty because that is how they get paid. About 85 percent of couples should avoid getting separate attorneys if they want to protect any children and save a lot of money.”

How To Save $37,500 On Legal Fees AND Protect Your Co-Parenting Relationship

By Belinda Rachman, Esq

This will probably surprise you but divorce is NOT a legal issue, it is a personal issue and most people should get a divorce with little or no lawyer involvement. If you want to have the smoothest divorce possible the solution is to resolve your problems outside of court.

1. Avoid Lawyers and Courts as much as possible! The first thing you should know is that our legal system is not child-focused or family-friendly; it is adversarial by nature. The emotional and financial price you pay when you each hire separate divorce lawyers is higher than you can now imagine. Before I became a divorce attorney I was a special education teacher. My Masters is in Special Education, focusing on teaching severely emotionally disturbed children, so I came to the law with a powerful bias to act only in the best interest of the children. That is NOT the focus of most divorce lawyers. Many divorce lawyers are very comfortable spending a client’s college fund instead of quickly and economically helping the couple to negotiate a fair deal. After 8 years of litigation and witnessing the total financial and emotional devastation of too many families, I vowed to no longer take adversarial divorces and to do only divorce mediation. In the following 3 years, after working with over 185 couples with 100% success rate, I am convinced that divorce mediation should be the solution of first resort for 85% of the couples who are contemplating divorce.

2. Learn the divorce laws in your state. It is easier to deal with a situation when basic information is already known. In the 8 community property states (Arizona, California, Idaho, Louisiana, Nevada, New Mexico, Texas, Washington and Wisconsin) property division is pretty clear. What ever was totally owned prior to marriage or received by gift or inheritance is separate property that goes to the spouse who owns it. If it was partially paid for using wages or income earned during the marriage, the “community” gains an interest in it that can be calculated. Division of property in community property states is one of the easiest issues to deal with because it is so clear cut. But what about the other 42 states? These states use an equitable distribution system to divide marital property. Each state has its own rules that can be ascertained prior to starting the divorce process. So there is some uncertainty in non community property states but an experienced lawyer/mediator generally knows what the court will do in most situations and can be a valuable guide to couples who are unfamiliar with the laws. All states have some kind of guideline child and or spousal support rules. Paralegals in your area will have the state program or otherwise be able to help you determine what support should be. There is nothing to fight about. Would you think of arguing about whether or not 2+2+4? It is a math problem that does not require a court fight unless someone is hiding income.

3. Acknowledge that PARENTS are the best people to decide child issues! Custody is the issue that needs to be settled outside of court! The bad feelings that come from litigating child issue will ruin any ability to co-parent later. A judge might look at the papers you file for a few minutes but often they are looking at your papers while the attorneys are arguing. You only get a limited amount of court time and then a decision will be made by a stranger who does not know or care about you or your children. It makes NO SENSE to put yourself at the mercy of lawyers and judges who will tell you how to raise your children. A far better approach is to use the services of a child therapist or another parent who has successfully raised their own children. Go to a therapist or trusted friend and let them act as a judge. They have more insight into the two of you than a judge would. Why make strangers rich by hiring lawyers? It is to their benefit to keep the two of you fighting.

4. Find out about the alternative to divorce court: mediation. In litigated divorce cases, child custody and visitation issues can be the most contentious and emotional. As described above, you can and should deal with child issues outside of court. If the parents can agree to a custody arrangement, which they eventually do in 90% of custody cases, they can avoid court altogether. Why should a couple wait until they are on the courthouse steps to make a deal? Only 10% of custody cases are litigated. The courts typically apply a “best interest of the child” standard in determining who should get primary custody. You know the parents themselves are in the best position to decide how their children should be raised. When a couple works together in mediation they are in control of the final outcome, not lawyers or judges. When the couple has an intention to effectively co-parent by always keeping the best interest of the child foremost in their mind, they will produce a much more satisfying outcome than if a solution is imposed upon them from above. Child custody issues are the most inappropriate issues to be decided within an adversarial system. The win/lose game that is played in court always results in tension between the parents. Not only will this tension negatively affect the health and happiness of the parents but the children will be caught in the middle of a battle, ducking verbal and emotional bullets as they fly over their heads. The adversarial system does not protect the co-parenting relationship of parents and should be avoided if at all possible. An emotionally vulnerable client in the hands of a “zealous advocate” who is more concerned with enriching themselves than in helping their client is a dangerous combination. Working with an attorney/mediator protects the couple by having an expert giving them legal information in a way that does not encourage them to fight.

5. How to find the mediator who is right for you? The phone book is full of divorce attorneys. How do you know who to trust? When looking for a mediator it is best to avoid the wolves in sheep’s clothing. You do not want an attorney who primarily practices adversarial law. While it is best to use a mediator who is an experienced lawyer so they can give accurate legal information to the couple, you want to use someone who focuses primarily or better yet, exclusively on mediation instead of litigation. Ask the mediator how many mediations they have done (the more the better), what their success rate is, how long it takes and the cost. Then compare the answers to see who the two of you like best.

In conclusion, the primary thing to keep in mind is that avoiding divorce attorneys and court should be your #1 priority if you want to protect your health, spirit, co-parenting relationship and pocketbook. The divorce process is an emotional and personal situation, not a legal situation. Because so many people have already been divorced, there are no more mysteries. All the legal questions have already been answered so an experienced divorce lawyer who is acting as the mediator, will have a good idea of what the court would order. There is no reason to fight. But mediation is not for everyone. Approximately 15% of the population are high conflict personality types. You have met these people before. They have problems with all the people in their life, at work, school, home, family, etc. They thrive on drama and create a lot of problems for themselves and others. Ask your friends if that sounds like you or your spouse. If so, consider if that really works in your life. With a powerful intention you can create more peace by changing your outlook and actions. You may even save your marriage. If both of you agree that it is best to move on as single people and are rational enough to work together instead of making divorce lawyers rich, then take a good look at mediation. You only get one chance to create a peaceful divorce. Your children will thank you for not putting them in the middle of a nasty court fight.