by Belinda Rachman, Esq
A relationship CAN be ended without lawyers, court or fighting!

An experienced family law attorney encourages those seeking divorce to focus on their better instincts instead of feeding the beast. That beast can be your own rage or the adversarial system itself. How often does a divorce lawyer warn you to avoid divorce lawyers?
The end of a marriage is usually accompanied by extreme emotions that too often result in terrible mistakes being made that end up hurting the couple and the children. You don’t have to be Gandhi, Buddha or any other kind of evolved spirit to have a “Peaceful Divorce,” but you do need to have the intention to do so.

Reality begins with language.

What we tell ourselves, what we believe IS our reality. You can have any kind of divorce you want to have. You can tell yourself that he or she is a rat, pig, etc. who would never be reasonable enough to sit down peacefully and work out fair terms and that will be your reality.

As an alternative, you can have an inner dialog that will produce another result. It might sound something like this…
“I am faced with a situation and I have a choice.

I can let my emotions run this thing, look for the most cut throat lawyer in town and go in for the kill or I can save my time, money and soul by avoiding court.

What options do I have that will make this process as pain free as possible?

How can I protect my rights and be fair to the other person?

I know everyone wants to get the best deal they can, so how can we set up a win/win?”

The conversation you have with yourself and the informed choices you make determine what kind of life and experience you will have. You may be devastated by the news your spouse wants out. Maybe you are furious at what you perceive to be unreasonableness on the part of your spouse. You might be in a lot of different emotional places right now.

I know from many years of working in the divorce field that this is one of the hardest life transitions people face. The two of you are probably not getting along. Does it make sense to throw gasoline on this particular fire by hiring separate lawyers and spending precious time fighting when there is an alternative?

Think before you react.

What will serve you and the children (if you have any) best? The more money you can save, the better off you will be. The more you protect your co-parenting relationship, the easier your future life will be.

When divorce lawyers get involved in your life, things tend to get worse and not better. They bill by the hour. They have no incentive to clam you down and help you resolve your case quickly and inexpensively.

The more you fight, the more they get paid.

The end result is already pretty well known. Every state has support guidelines. Most experienced divorce lawyers can predict how property will be divided and when it comes to custody issues, who loves the children more than the parents?  Why would you even want strangers making decisions on how and who should raise your children?
Imagine the resistance that would arise in you if your spouse said,”I am going to do everything in my power to take the children away from you.”

Now imagine what your response would be if they said, “We have a job ahead of us. We need to work together to raise these kids. The children need to be with the two of us as much as possible. We need to make decisions that are in their best interest.”

Doesn’t that create a whole other reaction?  Remember, reality begins with language. How you discuss divorce issues with yourself and your spouse will determine the outcome.
Couples need help in navigating their way through the maze of divorce issues.

? You need to know what the law is and what your rights are.
? You need help doing all the many forms.
? You need someone to help you negotiate the terms of the agreement but that does NOT mean you each need to hire your own attorneys.

In most cases they will create more problems than they will solve. The better answer is to find an attorney/mediator in your area who can calmly and peacefully work with both of you. There is nothing to fight about. Millions of couples have already litigated all the issues in your state. There are no legal mysteries that need solving. A lawyer/mediator can explain things to you and you can make informed decisions in a reasonable manner that saves you time, money and protects the children from being caught in the crossfire.

When both spouses are focused on getting out as gracefully as possible and have an intention to be fair and honest, miracles can happen. I do it for a living, so I know what is possible.
Peaceful divorce is NOT for everyone.

There are some people who are “high conflict personality types” but that is only about 15% of the population. That means 85% of the people are rational enough to see that they are better off avoiding the drama of court by working together. It is all a matter of taking a deep breath, calming down and analyzing the situation.

? What is needed here?
? What is the best way to do that?
? What results am I trying to create?
? How do I get there from here.

Once you start down the adversarial road by hiring separate lawyers and fighting in court, it is hard to turn things around. You only get one chance to have a peaceful divorce. Get informed about your choices.

I highly suggest you read Ed Sherman’s “Make Any Divorce Better!: Specific Steps to Make Things Smoother, Faster, Less Painful, and Save You a Lot of Money (Make Any Divorce Better!)” before you do anything. He has an amazing way of breaking down all the options so you can clearly see where you are and what to do next. If you have children it is so  important to protect them from a nasty divorce if you can avoid it and I believe most people can. If you believe that too, you are already on the right road.

“Until Kids Do Us Part”
Pittsburg Parent website:

By Mary Jo Rulnick

Cozy dinners in a candlelit corner, long walks under the twinkling stars and dream vacations at exotic places are some of the cherished memories you and your spouse shared as a couple. Unfortunately, those idyllic moments seem to have ended abruptly when baby made three or four or five. Once you’re a family, finding quiet time for the two of you can be a thing of the past. In fact, sometimes you wonder if there really was a B.K.-before kids.
A Newsweek article reported more couples divorce in the year after the arrival of their first child than any other time, other than the first year of marriage. So what challenges can cause such strife and what can couples do to keep a relationship going

Everyday Challenges
Although you have nine months to prepare for the arrival of your bundle of joy, you can never truly be prepared for all the changes that occur. This joyous time can be a stressful time as your carefree couple status transitions to parents with a little person who is completely dependent upon you. On top of that, consider the extra workload of a child, increase in expenses and the challenges of daily living, too. The responsibility can be overwhelming and it can take some time to adjust to all of it.

Learn to communicate. Relationships can be challenging. Many of us do not have strong models to follow when it comes to communication. And communication can be crucial to a loving relationship. Renee Trudeau, life coach and author of The Mother’s Guide to Self-Renewal, offers a suggestion she uses in her own marriage. When a discussion could become heated, her communication reminder is “do you want to be right or be in relationship?” Trudeau often resorts to “quiet breaks” when she feels like she’s reached her limit and could blow up.

“It’s always better to go this route than to say things you may later regret,” says Trudeau. She also knows her partner shuts down and withdraws when her voice escalates, so she keeps this in mind. She recommends couples sit down once a week for a family planning meeting to talk about the upcoming week and to make sure they’re on the same page. This weekly meeting also gives each other a heads-up if one of them has a particularly challenging week ahead and may need some extra support and TLC.

Discuss your financial issues. One of the top reasons couples fight stems from money issues, says Trudeau. Make a commitment to have monthly discussions about finances. On the agenda, include creating a budget, addressing your debt, deciding who will pay bills each month and possible meetings with a financial planner. Find a way to come to peace with your money issues. “Everyone has them (money issues),” says Trudeau. So decide how and when you and your partner are going to address yours in a way that best works for your relationship.

Same parental ground rules. Children learn quickly that they can get what they want by playing dad against mom and vice versa. Divorce attorney Belinda Rachman, Esq. warns “I have seen more marriages end due to child rearing disputes than any other reason, except money. Be on the same page about parenting.”

Rachman advises parents to have consistent rules, values, consequences and never allow yourselves to fall into the “good cop”/“bad cop” roles. Rachman believes there is nothing more important you can do for both yourselves and your children than to be in alignment on how to bring up children. “If they sense they can get a better deal from one of you,” says Rachman, “they will cause all kinds of trouble and learn how to manipulate people.”

Split the to-do list. Many times it feels as if there are more chores to do than time to do them. Splitting the chores between you and your partner will allow more time for the two of you afterwards. For example, mom does the laundry while dad feeds and changes the baby, offers Kathy Stafford, author of Relationship Remorse. This way, you’re both doing your chores at the same time and hopefully will finish about the same time so you can relax together.

Five minutes for mom. The hectic schedule of a family’s lifestyle can turn a calm woman into a frazzled one. Women are so busy nurturing everyone around them that they forget to nurture themselves. And an overstressed, over-exhausted wife doesn’t make for a great partner. Moms need time away from the kids to nurture themselves and maintain their girl-to-girl friendships, says Stafford. So, take a “girls only” night out while your husband takes care of the kids.

During tough economic times,
couples find that financial problems can affect their marriage.
By Marilyn Gardner | Staff writer of The Christian Science Monitor
from the November 17, 2008 edition

Life changed in June for Thomas and Jennifer Dodson of Sacramento, Calif., when he was laid off by the architecture firm where he worked. He immediately started his own consulting firm. Although the work is rewarding and fulfilling, it continues to be an “immense struggle,” he says.

Yet he praises his wife for being “more than great” throughout this experience. “She has been a rock. Despite the stress and turmoil this has brought into our life, this has made us closer than ever. I don’t know how people do it without the support of their spouse. Having that other person there whispering in your ear and telling you you can do it is so powerful.”

As families face layoffs, shrinking retirement funds, and credit-card debt, economic uncertainties can test marriages and relationships. Some couples, like the Dodsons, are finding renewed strength and closeness.
Others will head for divorce court. Still others are trying to solve their differences in more amicable ways. Whatever the circumstances, Howard Markman, codirector of the Center for Marital and Family Studies at the University of Denver, reminds couples that even though they don’t have control over what happens with their employment, they do have control over their support for each other. “Focus on what you can control,” he says. “That’s your marriage and your family.”
These challenges affect couples at all income levels. “Often women have expectations regarding their husband’s ability to produce, provide, and protect,” says Elinor Robin, a divorce mediator in Boca Raton, Fla. “When he is unable to meet these expectations and she is unable to accept and see beyond her needs, there is a chipping away at the bond that connects them.”

Husbands face challenges, too. Szifra Birke, a wealth counselor in Chelmsford, Mass., tells of a client who earns $200,000 a year. “He has such extreme anxiety from losing $160,000 [in the stock market] that he is snapping at his wife and children for going to the movies. He is micromanaging all purchases, including Dunkin’ Donuts coffee, and he told his wife she shouldn’t drive so much or text message their kids.”
In addition to conflicts like these over spending and saving, those who are under economic stress tend to be less able to notice things that are going well in their relationships with their spouse and children, says Stephanie Coontz, director of research at the Council on Contemporary Families in Chicago. “As soon as something goes wrong, they will be much more conscious of any behavior that is not helpful and tend to respond to it much more abruptly and negatively: ‘You didn’t pay that bill on time.’ One of the first things that falls out of family life under stress are little exchanges of gratitude and appreciation that maintain smooth relationships. Appreciation is so important in families.”

One young woman who came to Jeffrey Wasserman’s law office recently seeking divorce counseling was sobered by the financial realities of dividing assets when the value of homes and portfolios is down.

“After I went over what their lifestyle was now and what it would become after a divorce, she went home and is in the process of trying to reconcile the marriage,” says Mr. Wasserman, a divorce lawyer in Boca Raton. “It all was grounded in the economic downturn.”

Noting that divorce filings are down about 17 percent in Florida, Wasserman says, “People are deciding to stay together to see if they can pool their resources to get through this hard economic time. They’re keeping resources in one pot rather than dividing them.”

Yet he cautions that couples must reconcile for the right reasons. “Unless they and their spouse do something to try to rekindle the flame or put the marriage together, it’s going to wind up terminating somewhere down the road.”
Sheryl Kurland, author of “Everlasting Matrimony,” likes to put today’s challenges in a historical context.

When she interviewed 75 couples who had been married 50 years or more, many talked about losing jobs and living through hard times. For most, she says, “Divorce never entered the picture. They said, ‘Somehow we’re going to work this out.’ These couples simply did not buy what they couldn’t afford. If they couldn’t buy it [then], they would go home and say, ‘How can we save our pennies so we can buy the washing machine?’ ”
The couples also found creative ways to make their relationship lively, Ms. Kurland says. “They would cook a meal together, pack a picnic lunch and go to a park, or turn on the radio and dance. They were spending time together without spending money.” She adds, “The ingredients for a healthy, loving relationship never change. Only the peripheral factors around you change.”

Communication is essential. “Decisions must be agreed upon together with a view towards reducing the burdens,” says Jerome Wisselman, a lawyer in Great Neck, N.Y.

Although family specialists agree that it is helpful for couples to share their concerns, some caution that constantly voicing fears will only fuel anxieties. “Keep the conversations, even the disagreements, focused on the subject and not the person,” says Maryann Karinch, an author of books on interpersonal skills. “Do not make accusatory or sarcastic remarks that criticize your partner’s competence or judgment.” She also recommends that couples going through anxious financial times try some activity – athletic, volunteer, intellectual – that draws on their talents and focuses on something positive and mutually satisfying.

Instead of letting the financial stress rip a family apart, couples can experience it as an opportunity to pull together, says Belinda Rachman, a divorce mediation attorney in Carlsbad, California.

Coontz takes the long view. “One of the things that can come out of this experience, difficult though it is, is a renewed understanding that our own individual fortunes as a family or a marriage are really not separable from those of other families,” she says. “If you have compassion for other people and gratitude toward other people, you are also more likely to have that toward your own family members.”

Washington Post Online

By Jennifer Huget
Special to The Washington Post | Tuesday, December 18, 2007; HE06

Getting divorced isn’t anyone’s idea of a good time. But doing it right can set the stage for a happier life for you, your ex and your kids. Here are tips from five divorce experts — three men, two women, four of them divorced themselves (two of them twice) — for getting through it.

1. Face facts . . . : We’re in peak divorce season, says Richard Mikesell, a clinical psychologist in the District and editor of “Integrating Family Therapy” (APA). “People put it off till after the holidays,” he says. And sometimes “the holidays make it clear that ‘this isn’t working.”

2. . . . But get a second opinion: Mikesell advises couples to first seek counsel with a “highly qualified clinical psychologist or family therapist.” “If you start with a divorce lawyer or divorce mediator, you’re going to get a divorce. Before you amputate, go get an opinion from somebody who is not a surgeon.” This may not save the marriage, he says, “but there might be a chance.”

3. Set the tone: Belinda Rachman, a lawyer in Carlsbad, Calif., and principal of Divorce in a Day Mediation, says the parties should try to “keep the drama down, be rational and get through this as peacefully as possible.” She suggests starting with a conversation like this: “Our marriage isn’t working; I’m sorry, and it’s sad. But we have kids and a job to do together for the next 10 or so years, and we have to make it comfortable for the children.”

4. Take your time: Giving each other time to come to grips with the idea of divorce is crucial, advises Robert Emery, a professor of psychology at the University of Virginia and author of “The Truth About Children and Divorce” (Viking Adult). “If you’re the one wanting out, you need to be patient,” he says. “You’ve been thinking about this for a while. It will take time for your ex to get to that place.” Constance Ahrons, a professor emerita of sociology at the University of Southern California, agrees. “People often make bad decisions during times of high stress,” says Ahrons, author of “We’re Still Family: What Grown Children Have to Say About Their Parents’ Divorce” (HarperCollins). Seeing a marriage counselor together, she suggests, can help couples figure out what has gone wrong and what might be salvaged. Note: Recommendations for patience don’t apply to cases involving domestic abuse. In such cases, “get out,” says Ed Sherman, a California family law attorney and author of the forthcoming “Make Any Divorce Better.”

Go away. Hide. Get a restraining order. Go to a place that specializes in domestic abuse counseling.

5. Opt out of court: All five experts generally agree that a professional mediator is a better choice for resolving your differences than a litigation-oriented lawyer — with certain caveats, Mikesell adds, such as when there’s a “huge power imbalance” between husband and wife. “The court system creates stress and drama by its very nature,” Rachman says. She suggests that couples visit a lawyer together for a one-hour consultation, “just to learn the rules, get the child-support guidelines, what the general property-division laws are in that state.” Rachman advises working out child-custody and visitation arrangements with a mediator or a family therapist. Sherman agrees: “Realize that the legal system is a place of fighting. You want to avoid fighting.”

6. Keep kids out of it:”Children should not be set up as prizes,” Rachman says. “Unless one parent is a terrible alcoholic or a pedophile, kids need to see both parents as much as possible.” Rachman also cautions against using children to pass messages between parents. “Communicate through e-mails,” she suggests, “not on the phone or in person when kids can overhear.” Emery says a parent’s first job is to provide “a stable emotional environment” for kids. Most of all, he says, let kids be kids. “I tell kids all the time, ‘Your job through all this is to be a kid, to do all the things a kid does.’ ” Sherman says: “You have to show [kids] that problem-solving works. . . . So what if you’re living in an apartment and not a mansion? You can be happy there.”

7. Don’t assume that, because there are no kids, this will be easy: Easier, maybe. Easy, no. “There is absolutely no research on divorce in people with no kids,” Ahrons says. “People don’t take it as seriously when you’re divorcing without children, so you may not get the same attention from friends or acknowledgment of the losses you’re going through.”

8. Confide with care:”Try not to bad-mouth your spouse to common friends or family,” Ahrons says. “It puts them in the middle, and you’re likely to regret things you said.” If you need to vent, Ahrons advises, “save that for somebody who’s not a mutual friend.” On the flip side, Sherman suggests, “Do not take advice from friends and relatives. They don’t know what they’re talking about.”

9. Get a grip: Emery says that divorce dredges up all kinds of emotions, from pain and grief to loneliness and fear, that easily morph into anger. It’s important, he says, to “recognize your feelings and separate them from what you’ve got to do on a day-to-day basis.” And although you’re not likely, at first, to be friends with your ex, “work to have a businesslike relationship,” Sherman says. “Make an agreement that you’re not going to discuss personal stuff while discussing the business of divorce,” he suggests, and set up a separate time to hash out the personal matters.

10. Be well: As your divorce proceeds, “take care of yourself in whatever ways you can,” Ahrons suggests. “Be with close friends when you can. Find a safe haven where you can talk. Go to sleep earlier. Plan special treats: Get a massage or go to the movies. Watch your drinking and eating behavior.” Finally, Ahrons says, “If you can’t get out of feeling very depressed, lonely or angry, get professional help.” Sherman adds: “The thing your child needs most is for you to be okay, to be well. You can’t fool them.”

If you have questions you’d like to see addressed, send them to http://health@washpost.comand mark the subject line “Life’s Big Questions.”

Mediation or a Divorce Lawyer?

about.com article here:

Question: Which is Right for You,
Mediation or a Divorce Lawyer?

Answer:
From: Belinda Rachman, Esq.

The choice of which divorce lawyer to hire is overwhelming. The sheer number of divorce lawyers in the phone book makes your head spin. You have heard the horror stories from your friends about how horrid and expensive their divorce was and you want to avoid that pain but which way should you turn? This is a very natural response to what you have heard and seen. You have enough sense to know divorce lawyers are not your friends so you need to choose carefully. Your future and that of your children depend on how you proceed.

Having been a divorce lawyer since 1996 I will tell you the dirty inside secrets and warn you what to look out for. In California and maybe in your own state, divorce lawyers are the ONLY kind of lawyers whose fees are protected, by law, by the equity in their client’s home. It is important to know how divorce lawyers in your state are paid and find that out before you begin.

Do they have the right to run up huge bills and then slap a lien on your home and force a sale at the end of the case? Over the years I have seen many, many lawyers do everything in their power to keep the case going so they could run up a bill because they knew they were going to get paid. People who advertise themselves as being “aggressive” are playing to your worst instincts. Doesn’t everyone want the MOST they can get in their divorce settlement? If so, keep away from aggressive lawyers because by the time they are done, there will be little to divide.

Child custody and visitation issues bring out the fighting tiger in a lot of people because they are so angry at their ex it is hard for them to see how much their children need BOTH parents in their lives. It is the rare case where it would be in the child’s best interest to have limits on parental contact.

Your focus during your divorce as well as your life, needs to be on what is best for the kids. Divorce lawyers who manipulate emotionally vulnerable clients by encouraging them to fight over the children are not doing them any favors. Depending on the age of the children, you may have a very long co-parenting relationship ahead of you. Do you really need to start World War III with the father or mother of your child? A more child-focused attorney will understand the need to create a peaceful relationship with your ex and not engage in a scorched earth policy.

The battle over property division can be the one that makes the least sense. How often do people spend more money on the fight than what the stuff is worth? People will get more if they cooperate with each other. This may seem counter intuitive to you but it is true. Think of it as dividing a pie. Which way will you get more, if you cut it in half between the two spouses or if you cut it in 4ths so that each spouse and their lawyer gets a share. Obviously the fewer hands in the pie the more you will get.

So what is the solution? How can you find the right divorce lawyer who has the intention to serve you rather than themselves? I am going to start by making some statements and then I am going to ask you an important question. It is a fact that our legal system is adversarial. That means the battle has winners and losers.

The rules of evidence and legal forms are so complicated you have to hire a guide to get you through the divorce process because it would be a full time job trying to figure it out for yourself. So here is the most important question, does it make sense to avoid the adversarial system for your divorce? If staying out of court and saving money on legal fees while protecting your assets and co-parenting relationship sounds good to you, then you really should to explore mediation.

So let’s assume you want to proceed with mediation. You want to make sure the mediator you use has a great track record. The most important thing you want to know is how many couples they have worked with and what percentage settled. Once you find that out you can compare price, length of time it takes and other factors like personality and sex of the mediator before you make up your mind. The important thing is to have all the information you need to make an informed decision. Remember you only get one chance to have a “good divorce” so don’t go down the wrong road because you won’t like the destination.