Experts, Couples Say ‘Tis Better To Settle For Compatibility Than Wait For Perfection

Feb. 28, 2008 (WebMD)
Forty-one-year-old single mother and journalist Lori Gottlieb has written candidly of spurning “good enough” men in search of the perfect romantic mate. But in her provocative new essay for the Atlantic, Gottlieb advises singles – especially women – to consider settling when it comes to a love relationship, arguing it will likely lead to long-term happiness.

In her essay, Gottlieb likens a “good-enough marriage” to a small nonprofit business with a likeable mate who can problem-solve. Gottlieb spoke exclusively with WebMD about the reaction it has generated.

“I’ve gotten quite a response, and it’s been all over the map,” Gottlieb tells WebMD. “Married people are very supportive of the point I am trying to make. Some single women applaud me for saying out loud what many are thinking but not saying. But many single women think it is an affront. They think it is an unpalatable challenge to an empowering world view that you can have it all.”

At the heart of the “good enough” argument is that too many of us have been brainwashed into a “fairy tales and fireworks” view of romance that lacks long-term stability. Gottlieb writes that marrying Mr. Good Enough is a viable option, especially if the goal is to land a reliable life partner and create a family.

“The point of the article is not to settle for any schmo off the street, but a good guy you like, enjoy the company of, and have realistic expectations of,” she says.

“If you want to be with somebody and you’re holding out, you may end up with nothing,” Gottlieb says. “That’s the crazy-making part – you’re always comparing.”

Defining The Good-Enough Marriage

London pediatrician Donald Winnicott coined the term “good-enough mother.” A good-enough mother stands in contrast to a “perfect” mother. She provides a safe environment, connection and ultimately, independence, to facilitate the child’s development. A good-enough mother meets some, but not all, of her child’s needs.

Can the good-enough theory apply to romantic partners as well?

“Good enough, rather than the fairy-tale model, which is a big disappointment, is a reasonable way to picture married life,” says Louanne Cole Weston, PhD, WebMD’s sex and relationship expert.

Katharine Parks of Chillicothe, Ohio, married John at 19 and has been happily wed for 32 years. She says the terminology is right on target. “In American society, we are always going for much more than we actually need. We’re expecting too much from a relationship. I think realizing this is ‘as good as it gets’ and that life isn’t ‘once-upon-a-time’ is important to building a life together.”

Scott Haltzman, MD, a clinical assistant professor at Brown University’s department of psychiatry and human behavior, says the issue of settling for a certain person or behavior in a relationship is one of the principles of happiness – if you reframe it as “acceptance.”

“We live in a culture where we’re being told through all forms of media, ‘Don’t accept anything but the best.’ We all marry ‘the wrong person.’ I think the real challenge of marriage is to get out of the romantic, over-idealized phase and into the ‘Now what?’ phase. Making adjustments, modifying expectations, and settling is something that happens throughout the entire relationship, not just the day you stand in front of the altar,” he tells WebMD. “We need to broaden our view of what acceptable means.”

Pepper Schwartz, PhD, a relationship expert at perfectmatch.com and professor of sociology at the University of Washington, acknowledges that the term “good enough” carries a negative – and unnecessary – connotation.

“The implication of settling for good enough is that at some core level you will be dissatisfied,” Schwartz tells WebMD. “It’s a downer concept for sure. The whole feeling has infected society in a way that is shocking.” She draws a sports analogy. “I’m a good skier, I have a lot of fun skiing, but I don’t say I’m a ‘good enough skier.’ I wish we could just call it a ‘good marriage.'”

Schwartz says that being in a state of constant aspiration is a form of “self-torture.”

“If I had to settle for a new Oldsmobile when what I really want is a Porsche, I’ll never be satisfied. In truth, the Oldsmobile is new, it’s pretty, and it works. Why wouldn’t I be satisfied with it?”

Haltzman notes in his book, “The Secrets of Happily Married Women: How to
Get More out of Your Relationship by Doing Less” (Jossey-Bass), that for centuries happiness was not a factor in good marriages. Rather, marriage was a practical matter that ensured social and financial security and provided for offspring. It’s only over the last century that couples have expected marriage to bring them happiness. We’re learning as we go.

David Rice of Alpharetta, Ga., agrees. Married for five years to Cynthia, he points to his parents’ long marriage and the role model of World War II couples. “Think back to those soldiers, who just wanted to get home to a woman who came from a church-going family, could dance, and was happy to marry a nice guy. Prerequisites have changed.”

He admits that his romantic journey didn’t go as planned. “At the ripe old age of 44, I felt the time was right and I wanted to get married. I found somebody I could build something with, but regardless of the attraction, it wasn’t puppy love. I actually treated it like a business decision, as cold or callous as that might sound. I didn’t feel I had time to make a couple of mistakes. I felt I had to hit it out of the park.”

A Pragmatic View Of Marriage

Experts and married couples both agree: It’s a fantasy to think you’ll achieve perfection in a relationship. Chemistry, while important, is not all-important, and the “soul mate” concept sets the bar unrealistically high.

“The good-enough marriage that de-emphasizes romantic love in favor of a pragmatic relationship is a very important topic that addresses the idealization of romance and the failures that inevitably occur due to unattainable expectations,” says Michael D. Zentman, PhD, director of the postgraduate program in marriage and couple therapy at Adelphi University.

Belinda Rachman, an attorney in Carlsbad, Calif., has been married to Eliot for more than 20 years. “I made a rational choice that had nothing to do with romantic love and have been very happy. I had a written ‘man plan.’ As each successive relationship failed, I took a look at what I had to have in a man, what qualities I had to have and what was negotiable; I knew I didn’t want to go on another emotional roller-coaster ride. When I look at the utter mess made by couples who have based a marriage on being in love with no thought to basic compatibility, I know I made the right choice.”

Terri, an artist based in Roswell, Ga., who has been married for eight-and-a-half years, says the good-enough concept resonates with her.

“I did have a fantasy idea of what marriage was going to be. By the time I got married in my mid-30s, I had a lot of dating experience and the bubble burst. We had a child within the first year of marriage, and it got pretty practical pretty quickly,” says Terri, who asked that her last name not be used. “The ever-shifting process of coming together, compromising, and the day-to-day of housekeeping and child rearing have taught me to accept Thomas for who he is. When that happened, I truly felt a sense of relief, a comfortable feeling of where I have landed. I’m much more relaxed.”

Recognizing Mr. Or Ms. “Good Enough”

In Tyler Perry’s films, the girl often gets the guy – but there’s a caveat: He’s not usually the guy she pictured herself with. In fact, it’s usually a regular guy – the proverbial “diamond in the rough” – that she’s overlooked.

As we mature and learn more about who we are, recognize our inadequacies and learn to accept those of our mate, we are better equipped to “screen in” candidates who are good enough, experts say.

Gottlieb believes many of us – herself included – have dismissed potential mates based on looks, habits, or their superficial “deal breakers.” In her article, she writes about her own change of heart in terms of what romance and marriage is or isn’t supposed to be.

Cynthia Rice underwent a similar change. “Earlier in my life, I had certain criteria in my mind, like ‘I’m not going to choose someone without a certain stature in life or money,” she says. “I consider [settling] reprioritizing. We all have a little more baggage. I realized David was really smart. We can have a conversation and connect even while we are grinding out the day.”

“I made a practical choice in a mate,” she tells WebMD. “It’s not what we look like to our neighbors or to society. It’s what we have here in our home.”

Although everyone has different requirements of a potential spouse, experts offer five guidelines to help you determine the qualities needed for sharing “good enough” lifetime together.

Compatibility. “Similar styles in living, similar ways of operating, whether more rational or emotional, will help you avoid chronic disappointment,” Weston says. Gottlieb speaks of lifestyles that can “meld.”

Sexual Attraction. “You need adequate sexual attraction, some chemistry, but you each don’t have to like 17 body parts,” Weston says.

Similar Goals. You may have a laundry list of ideal qualities in a mate, but narrow down your list to three must-have traits, Schwartz suggests. “You only have so many ‘slots’ someone can fulfill, whether it’s a shared love of travel, a similar outlook on money, or raising children.” Schwartz cautions about seeking what she calls “incongruent characteristics” from a partner. “Some women marry industry lions and then are surprised when they bite,” she says.

Respect. “If you admire someone, you are way ahead,” says Schwartz.

Gut Check. Finally, Weston suggests trusting your gut for clues on whether someone is good enough for you. “Nine years before I married my husband, I was engaged to another man,” she says. “I had funny little shooting pains and a twitch in that hand; I wasn’t sleeping well. My body was giving me clues.”

By Suzanne Wright
Reviewed by Louise Chang
© 2008 WebMD, Inc. All rights reserved.

Washington Post Online

By Jennifer Huget
Special to The Washington Post | Tuesday, December 18, 2007; HE06

Getting divorced isn’t anyone’s idea of a good time. But doing it right can set the stage for a happier life for you, your ex and your kids. Here are tips from five divorce experts — three men, two women, four of them divorced themselves (two of them twice) — for getting through it.

1. Face facts . . . : We’re in peak divorce season, says Richard Mikesell, a clinical psychologist in the District and editor of “Integrating Family Therapy” (APA). “People put it off till after the holidays,” he says. And sometimes “the holidays make it clear that ‘this isn’t working.”

2. . . . But get a second opinion: Mikesell advises couples to first seek counsel with a “highly qualified clinical psychologist or family therapist.” “If you start with a divorce lawyer or divorce mediator, you’re going to get a divorce. Before you amputate, go get an opinion from somebody who is not a surgeon.” This may not save the marriage, he says, “but there might be a chance.”

3. Set the tone: Belinda Rachman, a lawyer in Carlsbad, Calif., and principal of Divorce in a Day Mediation, says the parties should try to “keep the drama down, be rational and get through this as peacefully as possible.” She suggests starting with a conversation like this: “Our marriage isn’t working; I’m sorry, and it’s sad. But we have kids and a job to do together for the next 10 or so years, and we have to make it comfortable for the children.”

4. Take your time: Giving each other time to come to grips with the idea of divorce is crucial, advises Robert Emery, a professor of psychology at the University of Virginia and author of “The Truth About Children and Divorce” (Viking Adult). “If you’re the one wanting out, you need to be patient,” he says. “You’ve been thinking about this for a while. It will take time for your ex to get to that place.” Constance Ahrons, a professor emerita of sociology at the University of Southern California, agrees. “People often make bad decisions during times of high stress,” says Ahrons, author of “We’re Still Family: What Grown Children Have to Say About Their Parents’ Divorce” (HarperCollins). Seeing a marriage counselor together, she suggests, can help couples figure out what has gone wrong and what might be salvaged. Note: Recommendations for patience don’t apply to cases involving domestic abuse. In such cases, “get out,” says Ed Sherman, a California family law attorney and author of the forthcoming “Make Any Divorce Better.”

Go away. Hide. Get a restraining order. Go to a place that specializes in domestic abuse counseling.

5. Opt out of court: All five experts generally agree that a professional mediator is a better choice for resolving your differences than a litigation-oriented lawyer — with certain caveats, Mikesell adds, such as when there’s a “huge power imbalance” between husband and wife. “The court system creates stress and drama by its very nature,” Rachman says. She suggests that couples visit a lawyer together for a one-hour consultation, “just to learn the rules, get the child-support guidelines, what the general property-division laws are in that state.” Rachman advises working out child-custody and visitation arrangements with a mediator or a family therapist. Sherman agrees: “Realize that the legal system is a place of fighting. You want to avoid fighting.”

6. Keep kids out of it:”Children should not be set up as prizes,” Rachman says. “Unless one parent is a terrible alcoholic or a pedophile, kids need to see both parents as much as possible.” Rachman also cautions against using children to pass messages between parents. “Communicate through e-mails,” she suggests, “not on the phone or in person when kids can overhear.” Emery says a parent’s first job is to provide “a stable emotional environment” for kids. Most of all, he says, let kids be kids. “I tell kids all the time, ‘Your job through all this is to be a kid, to do all the things a kid does.’ ” Sherman says: “You have to show [kids] that problem-solving works. . . . So what if you’re living in an apartment and not a mansion? You can be happy there.”

7. Don’t assume that, because there are no kids, this will be easy: Easier, maybe. Easy, no. “There is absolutely no research on divorce in people with no kids,” Ahrons says. “People don’t take it as seriously when you’re divorcing without children, so you may not get the same attention from friends or acknowledgment of the losses you’re going through.”

8. Confide with care:”Try not to bad-mouth your spouse to common friends or family,” Ahrons says. “It puts them in the middle, and you’re likely to regret things you said.” If you need to vent, Ahrons advises, “save that for somebody who’s not a mutual friend.” On the flip side, Sherman suggests, “Do not take advice from friends and relatives. They don’t know what they’re talking about.”

9. Get a grip: Emery says that divorce dredges up all kinds of emotions, from pain and grief to loneliness and fear, that easily morph into anger. It’s important, he says, to “recognize your feelings and separate them from what you’ve got to do on a day-to-day basis.” And although you’re not likely, at first, to be friends with your ex, “work to have a businesslike relationship,” Sherman says. “Make an agreement that you’re not going to discuss personal stuff while discussing the business of divorce,” he suggests, and set up a separate time to hash out the personal matters.

10. Be well: As your divorce proceeds, “take care of yourself in whatever ways you can,” Ahrons suggests. “Be with close friends when you can. Find a safe haven where you can talk. Go to sleep earlier. Plan special treats: Get a massage or go to the movies. Watch your drinking and eating behavior.” Finally, Ahrons says, “If you can’t get out of feeling very depressed, lonely or angry, get professional help.” Sherman adds: “The thing your child needs most is for you to be okay, to be well. You can’t fool them.”

If you have questions you’d like to see addressed, send them to http://health@washpost.comand mark the subject line “Life’s Big Questions.”

During tough economic times,
couples find that financial problems can affect their marriage.

By Marilyn Gardner | Staff writer of The Christian Science Monitor
from the November 17, 2008 edition

Life changed in June for Thomas and Jennifer Dodson of Sacramento, Calif., when he was laid off by the architecture firm where he worked. He immediately started his own consulting firm. Although the work is rewarding and fulfilling, it continues to be an “immense struggle,” he says.

Yet he praises his wife for being “more than great” throughout this experience. “She has been a rock. Despite the stress and turmoil this has brought into our life, this has made us closer than ever. I don’t know how people do it without the support of their spouse. Having that other person there whispering in your ear and telling you you can do it is so powerful.”

As families face layoffs, shrinking retirement funds, and credit-card debt, economic uncertainties can test marriages and relationships. Some couples, like the Dodsons, are finding renewed strength and closeness.
Others will head for divorce court. Still others are trying to solve their differences in more amicable ways. Whatever the circumstances, Howard Markman, codirector of the Center for Marital and Family Studies at the University of Denver, reminds couples that even though they don’t have control over what happens with their employment, they do have control over their support for each other. “Focus on what you can control,” he says. “That’s your marriage and your family.”
These challenges affect couples at all income levels. “Often women have expectations regarding their husband’s ability to produce, provide, and protect,” says Elinor Robin, a divorce mediator in Boca Raton, Fla. “When he is unable to meet these expectations and she is unable to accept and see beyond her needs, there is a chipping away at the bond that connects them.”

Husbands face challenges, too. Szifra Birke, a wealth counselor in Chelmsford, Mass., tells of a client who earns $200,000 a year. “He has such extreme anxiety from losing $160,000 [in the stock market] that he is snapping at his wife and children for going to the movies. He is micromanaging all purchases, including Dunkin’ Donuts coffee, and he told his wife she shouldn’t drive so much or text message their kids.”
In addition to conflicts like these over spending and saving, those who are under economic stress tend to be less able to notice things that are going well in their relationships with their spouse and children, says Stephanie Coontz, director of research at the Council on Contemporary Families in Chicago. “As soon as something goes wrong, they will be much more conscious of any behavior that is not helpful and tend to respond to it much more abruptly and negatively: ‘You didn’t pay that bill on time.’ One of the first things that falls out of family life under stress are little exchanges of gratitude and appreciation that maintain smooth relationships. Appreciation is so important in families.”

One young woman who came to Jeffrey Wasserman’s law office recently seeking divorce counseling was sobered by the financial realities of dividing assets when the value of homes and portfolios is down.

“After I went over what their lifestyle was now and what it would become after a divorce, she went home and is in the process of trying to reconcile the marriage,” says Mr. Wasserman, a divorce lawyer in Boca Raton. “It all was grounded in the economic downturn.”

Noting that divorce filings are down about 17 percent in Florida, Wasserman says, “People are deciding to stay together to see if they can pool their resources to get through this hard economic time. They’re keeping resources in one pot rather than dividing them.”

Yet he cautions that couples must reconcile for the right reasons. “Unless they and their spouse do something to try to rekindle the flame or put the marriage together, it’s going to wind up terminating somewhere down the road.”
Sheryl Kurland, author of “Everlasting Matrimony,” likes to put today’s challenges in a historical context.

When she interviewed 75 couples who had been married 50 years or more, many talked about losing jobs and living through hard times. For most, she says, “Divorce never entered the picture. They said, ‘Somehow we’re going to work this out.’ These couples simply did not buy what they couldn’t afford. If they couldn’t buy it [then], they would go home and say, ‘How can we save our pennies so we can buy the washing machine?’ ”
The couples also found creative ways to make their relationship lively, Ms. Kurland says. “They would cook a meal together, pack a picnic lunch and go to a park, or turn on the radio and dance. They were spending time together without spending money.” She adds, “The ingredients for a healthy, loving relationship never change. Only the peripheral factors around you change.”

Communication is essential. “Decisions must be agreed upon together with a view towards reducing the burdens,” says Jerome Wisselman, a lawyer in Great Neck, N.Y.

Although family specialists agree that it is helpful for couples to share their concerns, some caution that constantly voicing fears will only fuel anxieties. “Keep the conversations, even the disagreements, focused on the subject and not the person,” says Maryann Karinch, an author of books on interpersonal skills. “Do not make accusatory or sarcastic remarks that criticize your partner’s competence or judgment.” She also recommends that couples going through anxious financial times try some activity – athletic, volunteer, intellectual – that draws on their talents and focuses on something positive and mutually satisfying.

Instead of letting the financial stress rip a family apart, couples can experience it as an opportunity to pull together, says Belinda Rachman, a divorce mediation attorney in Carlsbad, California.

Coontz takes the long view. “One of the things that can come out of this experience, difficult though it is, is a renewed understanding that our own individual fortunes as a family or a marriage are really not separable from those of other families,” she says. “If you have compassion for other people and gratitude toward other people, you are also more likely to have that toward your own family members.”

“Until Kids Do Us Part”

Pittsburg Parent website:

By Mary Jo Rulnick

Cozy dinners in a candlelit corner, long walks under the twinkling stars and dream vacations at exotic places are some of the cherished memories you and your spouse shared as a couple. Unfortunately, those idyllic moments seem to have ended abruptly when baby made three or four or five. Once you’re a family, finding quiet time for the two of you can be a thing of the past. In fact, sometimes you wonder if there really was a B.K.-before kids.
A Newsweek article reported more couples divorce in the year after the arrival of their first child than any other time, other than the first year of marriage. So what challenges can cause such strife and what can couples do to keep a relationship going

Everyday Challenges
Although you have nine months to prepare for the arrival of your bundle of joy, you can never truly be prepared for all the changes that occur. This joyous time can be a stressful time as your carefree couple status transitions to parents with a little person who is completely dependent upon you. On top of that, consider the extra workload of a child, increase in expenses and the challenges of daily living, too. The responsibility can be overwhelming and it can take some time to adjust to all of it.

Learn to communicate. Relationships can be challenging. Many of us do not have strong models to follow when it comes to communication. And communication can be crucial to a loving relationship. Renee Trudeau, life coach and author of The Mother’s Guide to Self-Renewal, offers a suggestion she uses in her own marriage. When a discussion could become heated, her communication reminder is “do you want to be right or be in relationship?” Trudeau often resorts to “quiet breaks” when she feels like she’s reached her limit and could blow up.

“It’s always better to go this route than to say things you may later regret,” says Trudeau. She also knows her partner shuts down and withdraws when her voice escalates, so she keeps this in mind. She recommends couples sit down once a week for a family planning meeting to talk about the upcoming week and to make sure they’re on the same page. This weekly meeting also gives each other a heads-up if one of them has a particularly challenging week ahead and may need some extra support and TLC.

Discuss your financial issues. One of the top reasons couples fight stems from money issues, says Trudeau. Make a commitment to have monthly discussions about finances. On the agenda, include creating a budget, addressing your debt, deciding who will pay bills each month and possible meetings with a financial planner. Find a way to come to peace with your money issues. “Everyone has them (money issues),” says Trudeau. So decide how and when you and your partner are going to address yours in a way that best works for your relationship.

Same parental ground rules. Children learn quickly that they can get what they want by playing dad against mom and vice versa. Divorce attorney Belinda Rachman, Esq. warns “I have seen more marriages end due to child rearing disputes than any other reason, except money. Be on the same page about parenting.”

Rachman advises parents to have consistent rules, values, consequences and never allow yourselves to fall into the “good cop”/“bad cop” roles. Rachman believes there is nothing more important you can do for both yourselves and your children than to be in alignment on how to bring up children. “If they sense they can get a better deal from one of you,” says Rachman, “they will cause all kinds of trouble and learn how to manipulate people.”

Split the to-do list. Many times it feels as if there are more chores to do than time to do them. Splitting the chores between you and your partner will allow more time for the two of you afterwards. For example, mom does the laundry while dad feeds and changes the baby, offers Kathy Stafford, author of Relationship Remorse. This way, you’re both doing your chores at the same time and hopefully will finish about the same time so you can relax together.

Five minutes for mom. The hectic schedule of a family’s lifestyle can turn a calm woman into a frazzled one. Women are so busy nurturing everyone around them that they forget to nurture themselves. And an overstressed, over-exhausted wife doesn’t make for a great partner. Moms need time away from the kids to nurture themselves and maintain their girl-to-girl friendships, says Stafford. So, take a “girls only” night out while your husband takes care of the kids.

Fair Divorce In A Day | Fair Fast & Affordable Divorce Mediation

Do You Think Your California Divorce Lawyer Is Your Friend? Better consider Divorce Mediation!
Author: Belinda Rachman, Esq.

Whether you live in Los Angeles or La Jolla, you need to beware of hiring a divorce lawyer because almost every divorce attorney has added a clause in their fee agreement giving them the right to put a lien on your home to make sure they get paid. Some people are so mad at their soon to be ex that they don’t recognize how much their own divorce lawyer is manipulating the situation just to keep the case going because they know they are going to be paid from the forced sale of the home.

Many areas of Orange County are known for having multi million dollar beach front homes with enough equity to be very attractive to the local Orange County divorce lawyers. For those owning such lovely homes and contemplating divorce, may I suggest you drive from Orange County to San Diego County so that you can work with a mediator who will save you hundreds of thousands of dollars so that the two of you can benefit from your beautiful home instead of your divorce lawyer getting it. A short trip to Carlsbad will be worth your time.

But maybe you are north of Orange County, someplace in Los Angeles and you don’t even have equity in your home but you have children, which means we need to deal with custody issues. Los Angeles divorce lawyers are no better at helping families settle their differences out of court than their Orange County or San Diego counterparts. Too many lawyers are happy to stir the pot and keep the custody case going because they know parents will fight like crazy to keep custody of their children. It is worth the drive from Los Angeles County to San Diego County so that you can preserve some kind of workable co-parenting relationship. You don’t want your children getting caught in the middle of a nasty divorce and they don’t have to. Working together in mediation saves much more than money, it saves your children from having to choose between parents. After all, it is your divorce and not your child’s. Carlsbad is just south of Camp Pendleton in North San Diego County. It is approximately 25 minutes south of Dana Point and an hour and a half south of Downtown Los Angeles.

Ask your divorced friends what their experience was. If they hated court and their own divorce lawyer, what does that tell you? Are you going to do the same thing they did and expect a different result or are you going to take a short drive to Carlsbad, CA so you can work with a divorce attorney with a 100% success rate with hundreds and hundreds of couples doing peaceful divorce mediation?

All the best,

Belinda Rachman, Esq.
Your Peaceful Divorce Expert
Divorce In A Day Mediation

(760) 720-9324